I’m Sorry For Judging You

Posted: August 21, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Happy Sunday, loves! I have another special Self-Love Reflections: YOUR Stories post for you. Please welcome Lisa from the blog Fat Chick Fed Up. She is pretty phenomenal, so I hope you show her some love. :)

Hi everyone, I’m "The Chick" (aka Lisa), from over at Fat Chick Fed Up. I'm a wife and stay-at-home homeschooling mama to four. I blog about the epic weight-loss journey of a severely obese woman (that's me!) trying to improve her quality of life and living to tell about it - the sometimes painful, sometimes ugly, but often beautiful story of it. Thanks for letting me hi-jack Tina’s blog today.

The Chick

I have been blogging on a family blog for a few years now. While I am not new to blogging, what I am new to is taking care of myself and being concerned about my health and fitness. That is why I started Fat Chick Fed Up. I wanted to chronicle my journey to lose 200 pounds the healthy way, and I wanted help doing it.

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About 7 weeks ago, when I first decided to start blogging about my weight-loss journey, I had 200 pounds to lose. My starting weight was 330 pounds. In 7 weeks I have lost 21 pounds. My husband (aka "The Chick Magnet"), who is also on this journey with me, has lost 33 pounds in the same amount of time. Check out our first "before and after" shots!  But weight is not the only thing I have lost. Actually, it's not even the most important thing I have lost.

Blogging my weight-loss thing has had some unexpected results. When I first started out, I was scared. No, that’s not the right word. Terrified describes it better. I had not allowed myself to be photographed for years. I had never told anyone my weight, apart from my doctor. I refused to admit how bad the problem really was. I was convinced that I was constantly being watched and judged.

I am glad to say, though, that in addition to the 21 pounds gone, never to be seen or heard from again, I have lost that feeling of terror. With it I have lost a lot of presumptions and presuppositions, a lot of judgment, and a good measure of self-centered pride.

You see, while I was so busy worrying about being judged by other people, especially “fit” and “skinny” people, I was the one standing in judgment. I was so busy hating myself, wallowing in self-pity, convincing myself that I could never change things for myself, that I had decided that is the way everyone else must see me too. I hated knowing that the first impression people had of me was that of a fat, lazy slob. I felt like I automatically had to be on guard whenever I met someone new, all defenses on high alert because I just KNEW what they were thinking. I was completely overcome with shame.

It took me quite a while before I decided to throw caution to the wind and put myself out there for the world to see. I had to get so fed up with my situation that the pain of staying the same was greater to me than the pain of changing.

Taking that leap of faith and writing my very first blog post was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was so nervous and worried about the reaction I would get. I was disgusted with myself and I figured everyone else would be too.

Guess what?

I was wrong. WAY WRONG.

When I made this realization, I had to apologize to my blog readers. And here I am apologizing to you. Why? So glad you asked.

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I am apologizing because I sold you short. I didn’t give you enough credit. I didn’t trust you. Because, really, what I was terrified of was you. I was judging YOU, not the other way around. I was afraid you wouldn't accept me. I was afraid of judgment and ridicule. I was afraid of taking a risk on you.

I’m sorry.

What I have since come to realize is that I am not alone. I read stories like Tina’s struggle with her weight, eating disorder, and own personal issues with self-esteem and I realize that I am not alone. It truly never occurred to me that people who look “skinny” on the outside could be suffering the same internal torment that I was.

I didn’t understand that a dear friend of mine - petite, blonde, beautiful, mom-of-four - could really empathize until she thanked me one day for my blog and said, “You are saying what we all wish we could say.”

I didn’t get it until friends and strangers alike began writing me and telling me how they had struggled, ALONE, for years with similar feelings, with the same lack of self-worth.

It didn’t sink in until people started telling me how brave I was, that I was an inspiration, that they felt the exact same way.

Me? Brave? Inspiring?

Are you sure you have the right person?

All I did was lose 20 pounds.

However, it really wasn’t about the weight after all. It was about my pride and about my self-hatred. Living in that negativity deceived me into believing that I was alone and that I could never change and that no one could ever see anything of value in me while I looked the way I did. What I found through starting this little blog of mine is that the things I was writing about were universal. Just about everyone I know experiences the same feelings and fears at one point or another. It may not always revolve around weight issues, but the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt are there nonetheless. This is the human condition.

The difference now? I STILL look the same. I still weigh over 300 pounds and have almost 200 pounds to lose.

Now, though, my heart is different. I KNOW I am not traveling this road alone. I know my value is NOT determined by the numbers on the scale. I. AM. NOT. ALONE. And neither are you.

  • Have you ever felt judged for your weight? How did you handle it?

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32 Comments to “I’m Sorry For Judging You”
  1. AWESOME AWESOME post! Congratulations on the 21 pounds lost! I also am happy for a new friend in my reader!

  2. Congrats on losing 21 pounds! That is terrific! Keep it going.. as long as your heart is happy.. you can do anything!

  3. Bravo Lisa!!! Can’t wait to check out your journey in more detail on your blog!!

  4. What an inspiring post! Congratulations on the weight loss so far. You’ve got this!

    Growing up, I was always one of the fattest kid in my class and was made fun of every single day until seventh grade. My extended family even made fun of my weight and wouldn’t allow me to eat cake and parties (even though everyone else was having it) because “I didn’t need it.” Since 12, I’ve struggled with trying to lose weight, always gaining it back, and being overly concerned with what others thought of me.
    I’m still heavier than I want to be, but I’m healthy and happy overall, and learning day by to day to accept my body. But I still have setbacks, like the days when I eat too much, but it’s a marathon, not a sprint, right?

  5. [...] everyone, I am guest posting (for the first time ever!) over on Tina’s blog, Faith, Fitness, Fun. Be sure to head over to her blog to read my post and show her some love. She’s awesome and [...]

  6. Amy Lauren says:

    This was interesting to read! Congratulations on losing 21 pounds so far and good luck with the rest :) .

  7. LOVED IT! You go girl! And thanks for sharing, Tina!

  8. Coco says:

    Congratulations and thanks for sharing this. I used to feel the same self-doubt and figured I was being judged for being fat, but then I lost weight and had the same self-doubt and fer of judgment-but nothing external to blame it on. It took a while to build that up but now I am in a good place.

  9. This is a beautiful post. I think we all feel like this. Having the courage to make the decision and share it with the world is STRONG.

    Congrats on your first 21! Many more to come!

  10. Lori Lynn says:

    I have been overweight the majority of my life, and have struggled with feeling “accepted” in spite of my weight. I grew up in a really small town, and it’s funny how much your childhood can influence adult life- be it your elementary school classmates, your mother’s words, or other events in your life. I know with being in a small town, and even going to a small college, I was judged b/c of my weight, but there were times where I was judging myself, rather than others were. My weight seemed to “overshadow” everything else in my life, and at times made me feel ignored. My highest weight I was about 215ish, and am now at about 165, with about 30 more pounds to lose. This wasn’t a straight weight loss, as I went up and down on the scale for awhile, but have been in the 160′s for about a year. I’ve heard a lot of people have said that the “emotional” is the hardest in weight loss, and I’d have to agree!

    • I agree! I would say that 99% of my battle is mental/emotional rather than physical. And that can be so much harder to overcome, but I’m getting there! That’s awesome about your weight-loss and having maintained it for a year is quite a victory. Good for you!

    • Tina says:

      Loved hearing your comment too Lori Lynn. The blog world and the women in it never cease to amaze me. You are so inspiring!

  11. Stephanie says:

    Absolutely beautiful. You have a way with words! I don’t have anywhere near as much weight to lose as you do. I started my journey 35 pounds overweight, and it’s taking me a looooooong time to get to a normal BMI. You’re definitely inspirational. And brave. Thanks for your post!

  12. Lisa says:

    Lisa, that was a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing it. Seriously. :)

  13. Your story is TRULY an inspiration! Keep up the great work because you are definitely motivating others :)

  14. Sarah says:

    Great post! Thanks to Tina for sharing your story about gaining self worth.

    I think the most important thing that I have ever learned is that if you love something you look after it. Simple but true. You can’t hate yourself healthy, skinny or happy.

    You can love yourself better:)

  15. Chelsea says:

    This is just beautiful! Both you and Tina have a way of writing your vulnerability beautifully and inspire so many! You are right, we all struggle with something and anyone that is judging us is doing it because of those struggles! We’ve all got logs in our eyes to pay attention to and need to ignore the specks in others’ ;)

    You’re doing a fabulous job on pursuing a healthier life, and you’ve got a wonderful family and so many others rooting for you!

  16. Just wanted to thank everyone for your kind comments and encouragement! You all are SO motivating to me. After reading all of that, I feel like I can go out and conquer the world. Starting with my alarm clock and an early morning workout! Thank you SO much!

  17. Khushboo says:

    WOW, girl you are such an inspiration to us all! I think we all have our own fears and struggles that we face but this is proof that half the battle is mental. As long as we muster up enough courage, nothing is too big or daunting to tackle! Best of luck in your journey!

  18. Amanda says:

    What an inspiring story! I am so proud of your weight loss and the fact that you’re willing to share it. I work at a women’s fitness and weight loss center, so I often work with women who want to lose 100+ pounds. They inspire everyone around them, and that’s exactly what you’re doing. Hang in there – you can do this!

  19. Ashley says:

    I am so happy you shared this with us Tina!

    Lisa – this was a beautiful post! It is really hard to put yourself out there and open up, especially on the internet for literally everyone to see. Keep up the great work and I cannot wait to read more from you.

  20. Lisa, as a skinny chick who met you last week, I just wanted to say that I did NOT see a “fat, lazy slob” but a very nice and very fun woman. I was honestly shocked when I read you were trying to lose 200 pounds. That isn’t what people see! :)

  21. peacebeme says:

    This is seriously an AMAZING post! It was really an eye-opener for me to reflect on myself and see that I am judging others and thinking they are judging me for so many things! Just being aware of that is going to help me focus more on MYSELF!

    Also, congrats on your 21 lbs lost and for having the courage to keep blogging and discover this about yourself!

  22. tree peters says:

    That’s so wonderful. I’m glad to have discovered your blog now too! Congratulations on your great start and on opening yourslef to be able to see all these things.

  23. Sarah says:

    Lisa,
    You are inspirational. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s not always easy putting yourself out there, but when you do, I know a lot of people are encouraged by it!

  24. [...] Posted my first guest post on someone else’s blog on Sunday and got lots of new readers (hi y’all) who have been so incredibly encouraging to me [...]

  25. Veridy this out! I am consuming doughnuts in the middle of the night and searching
    through your posts :D

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