I have my weak moments as well. I do not deny how far I have come. I can still rely on my capabilities to push past negative moments as swiftly as possible. However, they do still arrive. In many various forms. Days come where I feel like a failure. Where I ponder if the things I work hard at possess the same worth I place in them. Where frustrations, what-ifs, and not-good-enoughs wrap their claws around me. The past few days left me with the following thoughts and emotions:
1. Is the 30 DSLR really doing what I hoped? The 30 Days movement started off as an incredibly powerful force. I could feel the energy from so many bursting forth. As the week went on, the fire dimmed. I expected as much since the initial moments of anything spark more interest that won’t necessarily last. I also expected lower participation over the weekend, especially a holiday one. I guess maybe it comes with not expecting it to drop by half and to have people seeming to want nothing to do with it anymore. Only a week in. Will this even be what I hoped at day 30? Will it even have a shot of continuing past September to have the chance to reach even more lives?
I want to clarify right here and right now that I do not do the 30 DSLR for attention, blog visits, pride, etc. I hope it comes through that I care and believe in this. I want more than anything for this to reach as many as possible and for it to provide the same start of hope and joy to them as it gave me years ago and continues giving me to this very day. I must also admit though, that I have allowed myself to get caught up in my hopes and expectations instead of trusting. Today I received a very special email showing someone believed I could help and a few comments that affirmed why I do this. I put a lot into it and I want it to go as far as possible. God will handle that though. And I need to stop worrying if the reach appears to have lessened. All that matters lies with giving this my heart and letting God do the rest.
2. Am I doing enough to support my family? M had a doctor visit today for some pretty nasty looking bumps on her eye and nose. The husband didn’t think she needed to go and it would pass on its own with the hot compresses + Neosporin we’ve been using. I said I must take her to the doctor in case its an infection. What was the protocol? You guessed it. Compresses + Neosporin for the nose. And a $100+ bill coming our way, thankyaverymuch
I’ll admit that I felt guilty. For costing us that unnecessary money and not really contributing fiscally towards it. I tutor to help earn a bit of extra income, but it isn’t much. I want to pursue writing and love doing the blog but the mere pennies from that doesn’t mean anything financially. Emotionally, for sure! But I can’t pay a medical bill with my happy blogger feelings. I sometimes get caught up in how I should do more.
I know better though. I know I should count my blessings for the opportunity to be home with my children and pursue my dreams. For having the time to do things I care about (like the 30 DSLR). I know that doctor bill won’t put us in the hole and I simply protected my daughter by bringing her there. I know I do not sit idly at home and that I work very hard. And that one day I will work very hard again in a traditional sense with some form of income. I also know others face much more difficulty financially and we are very luck to have what we do. Why should I complain?
3. How come I can’t do things this pregnancy like last time? I feel like I have grown quite a bit in the past couple of weeks, which happens typically around the 5.5 month mark. I notice softer and more cellulite-y thighs, a wider/flatter butt, and less definition. I know its normal and it will come off. Yet for some reason, this time frustrates me. My body aches worse than it ever did with M. This week the only workouts I have the stamina, energy, or capability of handling consist of brief walks. I know I need to listen to my body, but I will say it’s hard. Since I refuse to change my eating habits based on activity and trust my hunger, I also have encountered my mind questioning certain things like my daily handful of candy corn as a treat.
I had the most difficulty overcoming the negative thought processes of the first scenario. Probably because it so deeply involves my heart and I can’t get reassurance as easily as I can from my husband. Certain occurrences today reaffirmed me though and I now feel better. My daily Bible verse I receive fit perfectly too - “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” Fortunately, the other two lasted less than a day…or even half a day, but I felt compelled to share them.
I don’t have it all together. I simply do my best. Each and every day. I still need those lessons and reminders on perspective, trusting my body, confidence, love from others, and putting too much emphasis on looks over the true gifts of the body. Perhaps that is why I want so much for 30 DSLR to reach others. I still see it playing out its positive effects in my life. Years later. I give a very heart-felt thank you to each of you who participate. Thank you. And thank you for allowing me to vent on and on in this post as well.
- What types of scenarios hit you the hardest? Can you relate to any of my weaker moments?