I’m Being a Dummy

Posted: December 3, 2010 at 12:08 pm

I managed to keep a smile on my face yesterday and get through the day okay despite minor annoyances. I did have something niggling at my insides though and today it has run me down.

You see, while going through photos from our Meet Us at the Manger event at the church I stumbled across this photo that Peter had taken.

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Besides the fact that he really only knows how to work the camera on Auto, this picture immediately sent me reeling with all sorts of negativity.

Is that what I look like right now? Do I really look THAT big? THAT tired? THAT plain? And that much unlike what I’m used to seeing? And I left the house that night thinking I actually looked decent for a change!!! How BAD do I look  other times?

I asked Peter about it and could see the hesitation. That’s all it took. He of course still assured me that I look great, that it’s not much longer, that I’m pregnant and naturally going to look/be bigger, that the photo is an unflattering shot, and that he loves me now more than ever. He said all the right things. I smiled and accepted them and pushed those initial feeling aside. Then, I visited my friend, who even after surgery still looks great. She shows me her incisions and where she is so sore on her stomach. A little pang of jealousy hits over her flat stomach and smaller size that I once resembled. I laughed at that and quickly told myself “I’m pregnant! She just had surgery! Why are you even thinking about that?”. Then, I pushed those initial pangs of jealousy aside too.

Apparently those thoughts and feelings continued to fester because they built up from me being able to laugh them off to me crying, big-lose-your-breath sobs crying, just now as I began to write this post. Writing it out provides solace because it helps me expunge it all from my head. I knew I had to write it, as hard as it would be to write…and post that picture. I already feel a bit lighter in spirit again. It also helps knowing I have to get over it to be strong for this gorgeous face…

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…so she can stop worrying about why her mommy is crying. I guess we all have these moments. Much love to you all for listening, despite the downer of a post on a Friday.

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75 Comments to “I’m Being a Dummy”
  1. sweetie, you’re gorgeous…you are and you know it. we all have bad days, but you’re such an encouragement to so many of us!

  2. Oh sweetie I just want to give you a big hug.

  3. LindseyAnn says:

    I think you need this: *hug*

    And, yes, I have. :)

  4. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! I am so sorry you are feeling this way but you are so right….you have to be strong for M!!!

  5. Angela says:

    Aww Tina I’m sorry to hear you had a rough morning!! I can only imagine how tired you must be with all things pregnancy related, but remember the posts you’ve been writing recently – about how you’re going to have a beautiful Baby B to show for all of it soon! Even if you don’t think so, I THINK you’re awesome! :)

  6. Tatianna says:

    Aww, I seriously wish that you didn’t feel this way, but I am so thankful for such honestly. I think the reality is that we all have these thoughts, and pretending they aren’t there just makes everything worse. Thanks for continuing to inspire me!

    .. and not that it’s even necessary to say, but you are absolutely gorgeous and being pregnant only makes it that much more. I know you feel big, plain and tired… but you are carrying another life inside of you!

  7. Katie Smothers says:

    You are SO beautiful ! I wish I had 1/2 the determination and discipline you do to look as great as you do. You look great!!
    I do understand though how it feels — had a TOTAL meltdown on Monday night about my weight. Same thing as you — However, I refer to it as the “ugly cry”! But, Tuesday morning I picked myself back up, determined to get this weight off, and went on my day knowing I would never want Reagan to think badly of herself, so why should I !!!!!

    I hope your day got better !!! You truly are beautiful and such a inspiration for a lot of people… heck, look at all your followers!!!!!

    • Tina says:

      I need to tell myself that too. I wouldn’t want little M to have those feelings, so I can’t give them to myself either. Thanks for the perspective, Katie.

      And for the record – you’re gorgeous!

  8. Jessica M says:

    I sent your blog to a friend of mine with the title, “she sounds like me”. I have been on this weight loss journey for all my life but have not lost anything for a while and I start getting down on myself and then self-sabbotage. I read Thin Within a while back and it changed my life for the last two years but now I’m forgetting the principles. I think we all have to eventually go back to the basics. You are beautiful, you are doing a beautiful thing by bearing a child. Your weight doesn’t define you, I know you know these things and will remember them once the negative talk leaves your mind. And I love that your husband tells you those things. Some don’t, what a treasure he is and keep that as part of your motivation :)

  9. Your smile is beautiful, even if you look tired (though I don’t see it. I think you look great).

    We all have days where we feel like that, though — me more than most lately. It’ll pass.

  10. I think you are awesome and beautiful!

  11. You are beautiful and a true inspiration for so many women who read your blog. Thank you for being honest and sharing your struggles! Sending you good vibes :)

  12. Jen says:

    I love your blog for your honesty because we have ALL had days like that! One photo has set me into tailspin in the past too. But when I look at the picture I see a radiant, smiling mother of two, out and about despite being tired, with her gorgeous daughter at a fun, faith-filled event. Maybe the angle is unflattering but in the grand scheme of your life, that is a pretty great memory to have!

    • Tina says:

      Thank you for this!!!! I love what you mention about the memories being made and what we were doing together as a family. That is what I needed to hear. Thank you!

  13. I know how you feel- not that I’m pregnant, but I have been down on my appearance lately. you’re right – you are having a baby and you can’t expect to look your very,very best 24/7! (although I think you look great!)Thanks for being honest!

  14. We all have bad days like that. You do an amazing job at recognizing your feelings and expressing them. I am always impressived and awed by your throughtful posts.

  15. Julie says:

    Don’t feel that way! I have photos that make me feel “like that,” and I’ve never even had kids. I can cite a recent wedding photo of me helping my bf with his collar before his friend’s wedding. I was wearing a strapless and the photo was taken from the back. I am aware that my upper body is kinda large for my size (5’1-2-ish) and weight, but geeze, so unflattering even though my bf told me the whole night I was beautiful, and when I first worse that dress his jaw droppped.

    Moral is… people don’t see you see photos capture. The world is 3-D, and honestly, few fixate on just one angle of you or what you look like from one second to the next. In fact, try to imagine someone you know REALLY well like your husband… how CLEAR is your mental picture of him? I bet not very. Do you fixate on any of his “bad angles” (we all have them!)? Humans (blessedly) are not like cameras and go moreso by recognition. =)

  16. Oh Tina, keep your chin up! Not much longer and you will be back to your old self. You look great! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just enjoy this brief moment in life! I wish I had someone to tell me that when I was pregnant with Max and at my worst! You are still you! Don’t forget that! Big hugs your way!

  17. :( We all struggle with days where we just breakdown with self-negativity. But it’s wonderful to have people in our lives, husbands, children, to pick us back up and brush off the pieces. You are gorgeous, pregnant or not, from the inside out!!

  18. Tina, you look beautiful!! I know this may sound cliche, but I don’t know a single women, who towards the end of their pregnancy didn’t feel like that about themselves. Despite all the joys of pregnancy, it can do a job on our body image.

    When I felt that way I did my best to stay positive. I know its hard, but it works :)

    • Tina says:

      Yep. I remember starting to feel this way towards the end with M too. It’s a long time to be out of the normal for ourselves, huh? Thanks, Estela. :)

  19. Thanks for sharing this. We all have those days. I worked my bottom off while I was pregnant, ate well, and still gained 40 lbs!! Weight happens, we don’t look like “ourselves” but man is it worth it. Just think about the precious life you are carrying, the beautiful family God has blessed you with, the one inside and outside of you. You are beautiful, and God has picked YOU to be a blessing, and you are a blessings. Smile girl, that’s a big gift despite what we think we look like (that’s the insignificant part). Hug, Hug, Hug…:)

  20. You are absolutely beautiful inside AND out! I know that it can be rough sometimes but you are so amazing! We all have bad “self-image” days but just know that you are B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!

  21. I didn’t think that at all when I saw that picture! It’s all in your head, everyone else sees a glowing pregnant mother with a sweet smile, but you know that already!

  22. Tina, we all have photos that are unflattering! I think you look beautiful, though. Pregnant woman are just radiant. Think about what you’re doing! You are carrying LIFE inside of you! Wowee! That’s incredible. I will just add that my co-worker’s wife is only eight weeks pregnant and acting like it is the end of the world (as in she is just so hormonal and eating this and that like crazy). I love your attitude toward pregnancy! You rock! I wish I have the self-control to only eat when I’m hungry, make smart choices and stick to workouts like you do! You’re amazing!

  23. Nichole says:

    Hugs, sending you just tons of love.

    We all have photos where we wonder, where did both my chins come from, or suck it in…but you have to remember one photo doesn’t define anything.

    Do you know how brave you are for even verbalizing your feelings? So many people hide and put on a huge front, let your emotions go, it’s healthy.

    Please know that you are beautiful both outside and in, and think about how beautiful your baby is going to be!

  24. We DEFINITELY all have those moments– I know exactly how you’re feeling, even though I’ve never been pregnant (and I can only imagine how much worse it makes it to have all of those hormones at play!). I remember a few years back, I caught a picture of myself in an unflattering angle form a holiday party, and I just started crying– I thought I looked SO bad. The holidays are just a stressful time…I think we’re all more on edge, and more likely to breakdown over stuff like that. I’m hugging you through the internet!!

  25. Hugs! You are gorgeous!

    As much as we try to fight those feelings, they are inevitable. It happens to EVERYONE and just know that you are not alone and there are a parade of people who think that you are beautiful in that photo and every photo.

  26. Mandy says:

    OH Sweetie!! LOTS of hugs your way! First of all, you are beautiful. Secondly, don’t let one photo get you down. You know as well as I do, that the lighting is horrible in that picture, the angle isn’t flattering and its half out of focus (LOL how is that for the photographer giving a photo criticism for you?!) haha! But it ISN’T YOU! You are beautiful inside and out.

    I can completely relate to you how you are feeling right now. But you literally have weeks left and you know that the body changes during pregnancy are all worth it for what you get at the end :) You take wonderful care of yourself, are a wonderful mother and are a beautiful woman!

    XOXO

  27. Nic says:

    One thing to remember is that we all have those days, pregnant or not. Just think of all of the wonderful things you are- mother, wife, blogger, friend, writer, fitness enthusiast, faithfully devoted. You’ve got a lot of positive things going on in your life right now and that’s what makes you a beautiful person :)

  28. I honestly don’t think that picture is bad! I’m not pregnant and I have lots of pictures where I think “Do I really look like that, how embarrassing!”! I just delete them from the camera and move on!!! No one ever has every picture of them turn out beautifully *to them*! I hope you cheer up and have a fabulous rest of your Friday! You are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!

  29. Jess says:

    Aww girl!! Sending you SUCH ((hugs)) right now!!! And you are not being “dumb” for the record – you are being a woman who is sensitive and reflective and perceptive and emotional and that is OK! I’m glad you got to blog it out here and I’m glad you are already feeling better but don’t ever feel badly for having “moments” like this. It means you are human and imperfect, just like God intended us to be.

    And you are gorgeous, pregnant and gorgeous and perfectly beautiful just the way you are. <—my attempt at an Operation Beautiful-esque virtual post-it. :-)

  30. Melie says:

    I am so sorry you feel this way! But everything looks kind of better after a good cry doesn’t it? :-) And not claiming any originality for the comment here, but I think you look beautiful!

  31. Just keep thinking of the beautiful baby you’re nuturing inside of you! It sounds like writting it out has helped you work through it- keep smiling!

  32. I haven’t had a baby myself, so I can only imagine how exhausted and emotional you must be feeling! But remember – you only have a few weeks left and your body is doing SERIOUSLY INCREDIBLE WORK growing a little person inside of you! You have every right to be tired and emotional :)

  33. Aw, hun, you are almost to getting to hold a second beautiful face in your arms! All the more reason for you to feel blessed. And it really isn’t the greatest photo, the lighting is just awful! Look at those shadows! You’ve put up so many good RECENT ones of you. It’s an anomaly.

  34. Marg says:

    I want to repeat everything that has been said above!

    I’ll do the same with myself in pictures, but no one else is critiquing them like I am. Don’t worry you look great, but thanks for the honest post.

  35. I definitely had one of those days yesterday – and writing my post made me feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. I honestly felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders and I have been in such a great mood since.

    You’re beautiful.
    You’re brave.
    You’re bringing life to this world.
    Be proud.
    Stand strong.

  36. lindsay says:

    to be honest, you look happy in the picture! That was my first instinct. You are a strong woman for pushing away those thoughts and focusing on what really matters. Health and happiness!
    LC

  37. Thank you for your honesty and bravery. I hope that the negative feelings you are having will pass and you’ll feel beautiful again because you are!!

  38. You also look THAT glowing, THAT beautiful, and THAT amazing for having a life growing inside you in that picture, too, Tina :D

  39. Danielle says:

    Christina,
    I don’t want to discount your feelings because we all have days were we just feel bad about ourselves. Even more when we are pregnant, exhausted or just plain emotional. But I am so sad that that was your reaction to that picture! I honestly don’t think it’s a bad picture at all! And you look great every time I see you – including at Meet Us @ The Manger! Believe me, most people are wondering how you do so much and still take care of yourself so well. No one is thinking for one minute that you look big, tired or plain. Trust me. Love ya,
    Danielle

    • Tina says:

      Thanks Danielle. I completely know its all in my head. And you all who know me personally don’t view me that way in the least. It’s amazing how mental games can still get the best of us, huh?

      Thank you for always being such a wonderful friend!

  40. Katie H. says:

    Aw, I think you look awesome and radiant. I am glad that writing is cathartic for you.

    This is unrelated but just wanted to share- I think it is really apparent how great of a mother you are by the photos of M- she always looks so happy and has the biggest grins on her face. So cute.

  41. Sweet, sweet, beautiful, Tina! We all have those days! I’m only up 5lbs from my competition weight and have already cried and had “talks” with Hubby over the EXACT SAME THING. We ALL go through this, pregnant or not, and it’s OK to have the feelings you are feeling. They are just that–feelings–and not the reality that you are BEAUTIFUL and GLOWING as a mother and expectant mother! You are blessed to have a loving, honest husband and a wonderful family and others don’t see what you see when you look in the mirror. It’s the prego hormones talking, because you look fantastic and are growing a little miracle in your belly. A gift from God! Any weight gained is just the “wrapping paper” for this beautiful miracle gift inside!

    You of ALL people know how to get right back into PHENOMENAL shape post-pregnancy. And, I know you WILL do it in a healthy way after Baby B is born. You are beautiful and such a lovely and graceful mother. Pictures can be distorted and one thing they can’t always portray is the beautiful soul inside! Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the body you do have, because afterward I know you’ll be in your “happy” shape in no time! Love you! :)

  42. Becca says:

    So, it’s been sad a gazillion time before this, but everybody has days where they don’t feel pretty. Everybody has photos that they cringe at. My former youth pastor once wrote in an “article” for the church newsletter — and it’s been YEARS since I’ve read the article, but the (paraphrased) part I remember most was this: Even when looking at photos of group, we zero in on ourselves and focus on the negatives.
    That hit home for me, because I do that ALL THE TIME: I look at pictures of me with my friends and immediately zero in on myself and how ridiculous I think I look. But other people don’t think I look ridiculous at all! It’s all about perspective, I think…

    There’s this song by ZoeGirl that I absolutely love called “Plain,” and the part of the song that I love most goes,
    “You know I’ve had my days,
    When I feel out of place….yeah
    I look at who I am,
    Cover what I can,
    I wish it all would change. But…
    Take the makeup away
    You see the same girl still remains..
    She may not feel that beautiful
    But there’s nothing about her that’s plain.”

    The chorus is awesome, too:
    “You are a jewel, you are a treasure, you are one of a kind, and you shine just as brigt as the stars in the sky! You’re a rare kind of wonder, created just right! So keep your head up no matter the pain: there’s nothing about you that’s plain.”

    Love and (vitual) hugs coming your way! =) And good for you for the honesty and openness! That’s part of what I love about FFF! =)

  43. Astrid says:

    In my last blog post I wrote about how I had my own personal implosion/melt down/sob fest. It happens. It is so easy to compare yourself to everyone else and your life to every one else’s, and then to feel bad about yourself. And you gotta let that go. Embrace the feelings, let them out, then move on. Because you are you. No one else. And let’s face it, no one can do a better job at being you that…well..you.

  44. Marcia says:

    First off- you look awesome TIna. I am not just saying that! You’re one that I secrectly roll my eyes at ( with love, of course!) when I see how cute you are at the end of your pregnancy! I totally “get it” though. I almost cried reading this post because I get it so much. The feelings are normal. And the way we all deal with them might be different, but I think you did a great job of working though the feelings…. cry it out- whatever. Do what you must and all is good; and the picture of sweetie M sums it all up!!

    P.S. I love Mandy’s photograph critique. Gotta love her. :)

  45. Kristi says:

    I am so sorry your feeling so down today!
    I know sometimes it is hard to see yourself through other’s eyes, but you are beautiful and pregnant!
    Try not to be so hard on yourself :)

  46. jen says:

    You are not a dummy! You are pregnant, nearing the end of your pregnancy, you have a toddler and I’m sure your hormones are raging!!!

    Hope you have a great weekend :) *Hugs*

    Jen

  47. you are SO beautiful, and once again you have shown us how much <3

  48. Lisa says:

    You look beautiful Tina and so does your daughter! You are not only a beautiful person on the outside, but your spirit and your the fact that you share these revelations have really impacted my life! I have grown so much since I started my own blog and started reading yours!

  49. Ela says:

    I think you’re super-brave, not just to share your vulnerability, but to actually post the offending photo. Very inspiring.

    Shine on and keep focusing on the big stuff!

    love
    Ela

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