The Fear

Posted: December 14, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Before I get into this morning’s post, I want to say thank you for your comments and support of my Team 4All entry post last night. If you haven’t checked it out yet, I would appreciate it. I got all excited writing it – more so for the amazing things 2011 will bring than the possible opportunity in partnering up with a nice women’s fitness gear company for the year. I love my life and myself right now, where I’m at, but still look forward to the changes and growth ahead.

Although some changes and growth do stir up some fear in my gut. I think its suddenly hitting me how soon baby B will be here. Even if he goes the full 9.5 months of pregnancy, that’s only 5 weeks away. When I finished laundering up all his little baby items yesterday I sat there thinking – I will actually have one this size again before I know it.

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You may think something that can fit into such adorable little things could not possibly do much harm. Oh ho ho. Okay, harm may not describe it correctly, but that little booger can ignite some worry. Here are my five biggest fears:

A rough, rough, rough, rough labor & delivery and not knowing what to expect. I had to be induced with Makenzie. My labor lasted only 5 hours. She popped out in less than 10 minutes of pushing. The labor and delivery can’t possibly go so smoothly twice. I foresee many, many hours of pain. Although I would rather go through that and a failed epidural if it meant I didn’t need to worry over the next two. Did I just jinx myself?

Breastfeeding. I adored breastfeeding Makenzie. I had only one problem feeding her – I had the more uncommon issue of producing too much with her. She always ate well and easily. Sure, it hurt and was a big adjustment for me, but we did it rather easily. I wonder if baby B will nurse as naturally. And I sure hope all the fun signs my tatas have given me means I won’t have issues with the production again.

Sleeping. Makenzie slept well from early on as well. The first month or so exhausted me with less sleep, but then she quickly got in a routine and slept 12 hours through the night by 4-5 months old. I don’t know how well I would handle a child up all night for months and months on end. Please sleep, baby B!

Post-partum depression. Depression and anxiety run in the family. I have dealt with my own in the past. Towards the end of pregnancy, the thought of facing PPD frightens me to no end. I know the desperation, yet emptiness, of depression. I know the hatred, yet lack of caring, that accompanies it. PPD is very real and can affect anyone. Will it be me this time?

There will be two! I like my routines. Makenzie & I have formed our own little routines. How will I manage to adapt mine and hers all together with baby B’s into one? How will M react to a sudden change? How will I have enough time for all things newborn and to care for and watch over a toddler? How will I not lose myself, and more likely face some form of PPD, in the process? Just, how?

Then, I just sit back and remember this scripture:

These things may be on my mind, but I can do nothing about them until the day comes. Then, I have to take each day and each moment one at a time. With each moment I will have to try to live it with love and simply do my best. I will have to trust that in God I have the power to handle whatever. I will cover the needs of my children, no matter what. I will also make certain to do things for myself (like workout and blog) to avoid losing myself and arriving in a negative place. I will cherish my relationship with my unbelievably supporting husband. I will love it all. And with love, everything will be okay.

  • What is one of your special, personal things/interests that brings you joy and helps you feel like you? (Did that make any sense? LOL)

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46 Comments to “The Fear”
  1. No matter what your fears or what happens, just know you have so many people who love and support you! Including us :) Perfect quote and so true, you may not have control over what will happen so thats were God comes in. You’ll do great and I know you’ll be able to face anything that comes your way!

  2. Kelly says:

    I’m afraid of all of those things too and I’ve never even had a baby. I think all of those fears are completely natural and just means that you’re aware and knowledgeable about giving birth. Just out of curiosity, is there anything you did that helped your breast milk supply? My mother never could produce enough and I’m afraid of the same thing happening to me and I really want to breast feed when I have a baby.

    Something that brings me joy: Cooking, sharing recipes, and having people I know (and readers) tell me they’ve made one of my recipes and loved it. Almost nothing makes me happier! :)

  3. I would be a freaking mess thinking about all that ;-) I know that you are going to be more than OK though. You have a wonderful hubby to help you and the support of so many friends. You have such a strong sense of faith too.

  4. i just love having some alone time and doing yoga, watching a movie that i love with a bowl of soup, and reading. i just love being able to relax i guess :)

  5. I second Kelly– I think and worry about those things even having never been pregnant!! Obviously it’s completely natural to have a HIGH level of anxiety about those things!! You’re so right– you just need to take each day at a time and take things (the good and the bad) as they come…but easier said than done, right? ;-)

  6. Julie says:

    I know this isn’t the same, but I used to get “the fears” before a marathon. I know it will be hard, painful, and I will want to give up, but for better or worse, it ends in a few hours. (Of course, you’re getting the better prize.) So nowadays, I just try to go with the flow — the anticipation is often as bad as the anticipated thing.

    You will do great. Always remember that you are strong!

  7. My blog and coaching definitely make me feel like me!
    I’m sure everything will work out, but I can understand why you’re worried (kind of, since I’m not having a baby anytime soon). I can’t wait to “meet” Baby B!

  8. What makes me feel like “me”…of course it makes sense :)

    A hug from my husband. There is nothing like it. That moment where we just stand together, say nothing but understand everything..it resets me, heals me and makes everything feel better than before.

    Thank you for sharing so much about your life + your little soon to be experiences!

  9. Astrid says:

    It is so important to feel lie yourself. This morning I did a little free draw with marers. It was so comforting to see an image come out so familiar to my other drawings. It reminds me that I am still here and that I have my own unique creative voice.
    I cannot wait until the baby comes. I want to see how adorable he is!

  10. lindsay says:

    Oh that can cause some aniexty for sure but the great thing is that God wants us to give that anxiety to him and feel at peace. It will be crazy but its totally in Gods hands and you are strong. Like you said, cherish the relationships and the moments!
    LC

  11. Nichole says:

    You are getting anxious! So exciting. I mean this has to be one of the greatest countdowns:) The time will fly by!!!

    I always lean to the Bible for times when I need to pump the brakes and listen to a voice of reason.

  12. Dee says:

    I love that quote. :)

    Even though I am not pregnant and probably won’t be for the next 2 years, I find that some of my fears regarding pregnancy mimic yours! Isn’t that crazy? I mean, it’s not the same (of course) but the gist of it. I don’t know if I’m explaining it right!

    Blogging and music, I think, are some of the things that keep me sane even now. :)

  13. That cartoon is hilarious — “why are you cowering in the corner?” hahaha

    As lame as it may sound, I really enjoy doing things for Jason — making him a meal, changing the sheets, doing the laundry, vacuuming, organizing something, etc. I know he appreciates it and it makes me feel good too.

  14. I love that verse – it’s one of my favorites! You have so much to look forward to with TWO!! :)

  15. Dorry says:

    I love Matthew! Such a good reminder today. The things that help me stay centered and feel like me – blogging, my morning and evening routines, running, praying, talking to my sisters. :)

  16. You have pretty much just spelled out all of my fears about having another baby. I guess we are normal. :-) I also had an easy labor and delivery with #1 and overproduction of milk. Sleeping 12 straight hours by 4-5 weeks?!! Uh, no. That is amazing! What a blessing. Even if #2 is the opposite of M, you will still be able the handle it. Things change, and we adjust.

    Your scripture verse is right on and a great reminder for me today. Thanks.

    • Tina says:

      4-5 months! LOL Not weeks. Although I think by then she was going “through the night” in the pediatrician sense of 5 hours, which was nice.

  17. I was right there with you when I was about to have baby #2.. The night my water broke with her and I was about to go to the hospital, I started to shake! (I had a horrible labor with my son…I tried doing it all natural with pitosin since I was enduced for 19 hours..and then gave in to an epidural. I decided with baby #2, I wasn’t going to try to be superwoman and just have an epidural! It went soo smooth. You will be fine!! And don’t worry about your milk production. I honestly think its really rare for someone not to be able to produce enough and if you aren’t there are so many things you can do to increase your supply and so many people to help! Feed your baby all day long if you have to! :) I had anxieties about me and my son’s routines and him being jealous…but somehow…right after the baby is born, the love you have for them, you automatically don’t know life without them and soon you will form a routine with both of them….and its so natural. I worried a little bit about PPD…what an awful thing to have to go through…but I wouldn’t worry about it until it happens and if it does..just know to get help quick.
    And I do too love my sleep, who doesn’t?? We need it! But even if baby#2 doesn’t sleep as well…just keep thinking, it really is temporary and it will soon only be a distant memory..and you will forget how you got through it! :)

  18. I really like the scripture passage you included.. really spoke to me today as I’ve been stressed out this morning. One of the things that makes me feel like me is having a little time to myself.. whether it be running, or napping, or scrapbooking… just a little me time!

  19. Therese says:

    That verse from Matthew is one of my absolute favorites! I’m really afraid of postpartum depression, as well. But fortunately after the baby comes, spring will follow. I find that the seasons affect my mood as well, and I’d rather be headed into a sunny season than leaving it.

  20. I love that Bible verse! It so easy to focus on tomorrow’s potential troubles that we forget to enjoy today!

  21. You have such a great support system and you are loved by so many…everything well go well! You have to trust that. No, it won’t be the same, but you should look at it as a whole new adventure. These things don’t happen all the time and this is your personal experience. You will be way more relaxed this time even if B is a little harder. I was and Max was way harder in every way that Jay.

    • Tina says:

      I think that will be a huge help – knowing more of what to expect. It may be hard, but having been there before I will feel better capable to handle it. Also, I think blogging will be a great thing. I struggled a bit after M with some difficult emotions and it was honestly because I didn’t have anything I felt was MINE. Blogging and workouts (when I can do them again – although even walks do amazing things) will do a lot for me personally to feel more capable as well.

  22. I love catching up reading magazines before the husband comes home and job #2 starts (taking care of the house- cooking dinner, cleaning, laundry, doing dishes). I sprawl out on the couch and just read or catch up on tv shows!

  23. Tatianna says:

    “The labor and delivery can’t possibly go so smoothly twice.” .. Don’t be so sure! I’m only nineteen and I know next to nothing about having a baby, but I do know that my mom had incredibly easy births with both my sister and I. Don’t sell yourself short.. you may just have the pelvis to make it through swimmingly again. Haha!

    Also, I meant to comment on the last post but I forgot! I wanted to say how refreshing it was to hear about your ‘best shape’ being when your body felt the best physically AND mentally. My weight has been all over the map, and I am still trying to find that balance of where my body feels best from every angle. Reading stuff like that really keeps me going in the right direction :)

  24. Becca says:

    Yay for Matthew. :) Needed that reminder this week; it’s finals. For me, they’re not SUPER stressful, but still. I’m a worrier. I need that kind of reminder from time to time.

    I love, love, LOVE getting hugs. Especially from my dad, when he lets me hug him for as long as I want to. Sometimes I just need a really long hug to feel better.
    And I love days off, or the first couple of days of breaks from school, when I don’t have to worry about anything and can sleep in and stuff. I slept for nearly ten hours last night. It was great! =) I’m really looking forward to Christmas break… Thursday afternoon can’t come fast enough! :P

  25. You have every reasonable right to be scared! Labor and babies are terrifying, but everything will be (more than) okay. You clearly care so much for your family and your faith, and those will carry you through the roughest baby woes.

    I especially understand being afraid of PPD. Depression and anxiety run in my family, too, and it can be very easy to fall into them. Luckily, being aware, as you are, can help you recognize the signs and seek help.

    Swimming makes me feel like ME, and cleaning/cooking/organizing/helping/loving others makes being ME worthwhile.

  26. I enjoy having do-nothing days without a to-do list or any chores/errands weighing on my conscience. I love that biblical quote – so true! Today’s worries are quite enough.

  27. jen says:

    1. I’m SO jealous you had such an easy labor/delivery!!! I attempted 2 vaginal deliveries, wound up with 3 c-sections.

    2. And you had a good sleeper?! My 3rd was the only one I breastfed and he has been the worst sleeper :(

    It’s 100% normal to be anxious about the upcoming delivery, but think of this:

    1. The sweet newborn smell
    2. The way they snuggle into you when you are feeding them
    3. The quietness of night time feedings
    4. Love at first sight :)

    Jen

  28. Becca says:

    I think my alone time is what is just mine… especially if I”m snowboarding. There’s just a calm that I find in that.

  29. Rachel says:

    Working out and eating well make me feel joyous and like I’m doing right by myself.

    This was a wonderful post. Thanks for your honesty! Everything will go smoothly with the new baby, I just know it.

  30. Priyanka says:

    Everything changed after Mackenzie was born right? but you still adapted.Things will certainly change when baby B is here, but you will adjust again and this time as a family. Don’t let any worry or negative thought bother you! You’ll do very well.

  31. Kelly says:

    That is my all time favorite quote ever! I always try to tell myself that when I am having a bad day or if I am axious about something. I am the queen of obsessing and sometimes I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and slow down. Getting caught up in the “what if” world does no good.

  32. “A rough, rough, rough, rough labor & delivery and not knowing what to expec”–
    ANY WOMAN has that same fear. You are human, normal, and just doing what women do..of course we worry about that!

    Nursing. If you had an oversupply the 1st time, chances are you will have an oversupply plus even a lil more the 2nd time. With each pregnancy extra milk ductwork is laid down and so you will have the pipes internally, to make just as much, and then some :) provided all other factors are roughly the same (this is the lactation educator in me speaking)

  33. I really appreciate how much you share of yourself on your blog. I imagine all your fears are very similar to mothers about to have their second baby.
    Something that makes me feel like me is my hour to workout each day.

  34. Shannon says:

    Noah James has been sucha good baby…I have the same fears when the time comes for #2. I think its very normal to feel that way. I am crossing my fingers that I paid my dues in terms of labor and next timw will be easier. The labor part wasn’t bad, but I had to push for 3 hours! But even with 3 hours of pushing, he is completely worth it!

  35. Sarah says:

    I’ve never been pregnant/gone through labor but my mother had four kids over nine years and had fairly “easy” (if labor is ever easy) with all four of us even my littlest brother whom she almost lost a couple times. So there is a possibility that your labor with B could be just as easy :)

    My family brings me joy even when they drive me insane! I love taking care of my little brothers and Dad when my mother is working. I’m practicing for when I (hopefully) have a family of my very own.

  36. Oh my gosh, that comic strip had me laughing out loud…I’m sitting here, having some of those same fears myself, with my due date 11 days away. I’m actually waiting on a call from the doc…there’s a chance we could be inducing tonight or tomorrow! :/

  37. Wow. Breastfeeding hurts? Yikes. I had heard that rumor …

    • Tina says:

      For the first 6 weeks or so it does. Then, your nipples get used to it and the “let down” feeling when the milk comes in isn’t as intense. That’s kind of like a burning sensation. Fun stuff. LOL Totally worth it though.

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