Posts Tagged ‘stuffed with emptiness’

Stuffed With Emptiness: Pizza In The Car

I feel strongly about bringing more awareness to the struggles of binge eating. The “Stuffed With Emptiness” series delves into details and thoughts of significant moments of my journey. If this topic could be triggering to your own thoughts and experience in any way, please read with caution or wait to visit FFF later.

Catch Up With Previous Stuffed With Emptiness Posts:

THE PIZZA IN THE CAR EPISODE

A little over two weeks had passed since my first binge. I regained the illusion of control over my food and the memories of hiding Pop Tart wrappers in the trash had faded away to the recesses of my mind. I approached a special weekend and only had that on my mind.

I quickly readied myself for the weekend, prideful and, at the same time, ashamed of what I saw in the mirror. I always wanted a body that would impress Bryan*. Would it be enough? Our years of on-again, off-again back and forth weighed on me emotionally and I just wanted to win him over.

This weekend will be my chance. The distance and hectic schedules won’t matter anymore. He will want me enough to make full time for our relationship. I just know this weekend can change everything.

The weekend went as expected – like a shot of heroin into each others’ blood streams – completely wrapped up in each other in an addictive, obsessive way…only to come crashing down to pain at the end.

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On my drive home that Sunday afternoon tears welled up in my eyes. I knew our little cat-and-mouse games would return – him only wanting me when I distanced myself. Yet I knew I would continue pouring myself out to him, giving him all the control. The undeniable realization washed over me: I would never reach the point of a priority in his life. The surge of emotions swallowed me whole….and I didn’t want to let them out.

As the natural course of my thoughts played out on the two hour drive home, I thought of what I deemed as my failures of the weekend. A dinner out where I ate a few slices of pizza entrapped my thoughts. I could not shake the image of eating pizza from my mind.

Suddenly, I found myself parked in front of the $5 large cheese pizza carry out place near my house. I ordered quickly, fighting back the tears. I kindly smiled through the anger as I thanked the man for my pizza, then rushed out to my car. I pulled around to a vacant corner of the large shopping center parking lot, peeling my eye’s for my mom’s car since she regularly frequented the area.

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I opened the box and pulled a cheesy, greasy, sub-par pizza slice to my lips. I took a bite. A large bite. I kept biting until I could barely fill my mouth anymore. I was almost choking between the sobbing and the chewing. But I couldn’t stop until the entire large pizza had vanished as if into thin air.

I zeroed in on the pizza. I could see nothing else. I could only feel hot grease sliding down my throat, instead of the bile of fear rising up. I could deal with the physical pain of an overfilled stomach, because it helped me avoid the emotional pain of once again not measuring up.

My mind had twisted my actions into a way to show Bryan I didn’t care that he didn’t value me enough. I could do what I wanted and eat an entire large pizza if so desired. Screw trying to please him.

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In reality, I too didn’t value myself enough. From that moment on, food became the way to stuff down and hide that painful truth. I was unwanted.

Unlovable. By my father. By my boyfriend. By my friends – or lack thereof. By myself.

I left thinking the weekend would change everything. I was right…just not in the way I had imagined.

Have you ever tried to determine your worth based on someone else?

*name changed

Posted by Tina on October 6th, 2011 65 Comments

Stuffed With Emptiness: My First Binge

I feel strongly about bringing more awareness to the struggles of binge eating. This post delves into details and thoughts of my first binge. If this topic could be triggering to your own thoughts and experience in any way, please read with caution or wait to visit FFF later.

I remember the night vividly.

I sat on the chair in my parents’ home, a laptop across my lap – chilly, tired. And hungry. The words for my five page essay on a Spanish play wouldn’t flow. My spreadsheet to plan out my meals and macronutrient counts for the following day kept distracting me.

I have to make sure I get this right. It’s worked well so far. I can’t believe I lost another four pounds this week! What can I cut to still make progress. I bet I could lose another five pounds. Yes. I can. That will be my next goal.

With smugness across my face, I set my thoughts on my new goal. I couldn’t see that losing over twenty pounds in ten weeks did me no favors. I couldn’t see I weighed significantly less than optimal for my body – even less than I weighed on the day of my fitness competition. I was, literally, starving.

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My body – neglected, in need of food, searching for energy to keep itself awake and functioning – finally overtook my control.

I need something. I didn’t eat dinner tonight because I told my mom I wasn’t hungry, so I have a little wiggle room from the day. I can have a teaspoon of peanut butter. That won’t hurt my goal.

I went to the refrigerator. I pulled out my jar of natural peanut butter and my food scale. I measured out my teaspoon of peanut butter. It tasted better than anything I had tasted in a long time. I packed everything away and laid the spoon in the sink, to return to my chair and finish my essay.

Only now, the thoughts of peanut butter consumed me. I told myself one more spoonful won’t hurt and returned to the refrigerator for one more scoop. I returned to my chair, only to stare at my screen until, like a moth to a flame, I found myself, spoon in hand, at the jar again.

Time and time again. Sneak a bite. Try to focus. Sneak a bite again. Until suddenly, there I sat, looking down to an empty jar of peanut butter at after 2 am. Shame washed over me.

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I did not understand what had happened. How did I get so off course? Yet, somehow, food continued to rule my thoughts. I couldn’t get it out of my head.

I snuck over to the pantry. The door creaked ever so slightly as I opened it, making me pause with dread that someone might figure out what I planned to do. I felt disappointed at the selection – low carb wraps, bags of brown rice, bottles of olive oil, cans of vegetables.

Then, from the back corner I saw my brother’s special box of PopTarts. The only junk food we had in the house as I had convinced my mom to not buy anything “sugar or fat laden” because of my “diet”.

The wrapping crinkled in my fingers. I ever so carefully peeled it away, in fear of getting caught. I took my first bite and the sugar hit me. It was my first taste of anything besides plain oatmeal, protein powder, chicken, eggs, an apple, or raw vegetables in months. It released an almost euphoric response and suddenly the entire box disappeared, leaving me digging in the trash to hide the evidence.

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I went to bed in tears. Stuffed…but more empty at the same time. My mind could not understand what happened. I lied to my brother the following morning about where his breakfast could have gone. I skipped a class that day to finish my essay. And I didn’t allow a single morsel of food to cross my lips that day either. Sadly, it was just the beginning…

  • How have you had to “conquer yourself” in the past?

Posted by Tina on September 28th, 2011 88 Comments

 

 
Catch Up With Recent Posts

Announcement Time

Posted: November 23, 2011 at 7:47 am

Well, I have had a whirlwind of a few weeks over here. I missed all of you so much! I can’t express enough gratitude for your patience while I got some important things sorted out. Some scary things. Are you ready for the announcement? Here goes! I will no longer be blogging at Faith Fitness [...]

87 CommentsRead more →

Self-Love Reflection: The Road Not Taken

Posted: November 20, 2011 at 11:47 am

Hello FFF readers! Nice to meet ya! My name is Carissa and my husband and I blog at Fit2Flex.  Well, I blog…he consults! We are both certified personal trainers with a passion for healthy, active living and clean eating.  I am also studying to become a registered dietitian, a race announcer, and a runner.  Stop [...]

24 CommentsRead more →

Healthier Eating For Kids

Posted: November 19, 2011 at 10:56 am

Thanks to Plum Organics for sponsoring my post about tips for baby feeding magic. What if you let baby choose what’s for dinner? Check out their cute "Quest for Yum!" video and see what happens! As parents, we want the best for our children. We help them to feel loved. We strive to teach them [...]

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Announcement

Posted: November 17, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Hey, everyone! I wanted to pop in and say I am working on some new and exciting changes.  As a result,I may not be posting as much during the coming week.  Please stay tuned for the big announcement! Love you all! And still feel free to find me on Twitter and Facebook for the time [...]

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Where The Change Happens

Posted: November 16, 2011 at 7:54 am

It’s kind of funny. I become a certified personal trainer and the first workouts I turn to this week come from someone else. The book came in for me at the library last week and, after flipping through it, I couldn’t wait to give the circuits a go. Making The Cut includes a lot of [...]

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From Beginning To End

Posted: November 15, 2011 at 11:53 am

Good morning! First off, thanks for the many congrats yesterday. Love you all bunches for the tons of support you have given me in so many things this year. I hope I can return a little bit of that love through this here blog as well. So yesterday I had my first parent-teacher “conference” for [...]

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