Too often we deny ourselves of the love and respect we deserve. We do so by shying away when others give it or through keeping a cruel commentary of our worth running through our own minds. For me, a lack of self-love manifests itself in telling myself “I am not good enough” in a variety of ways.

• “I’m not lean enough”.
• “I’m not a good enough mom”.
• “I’m not strong enough”.
• “I’m not caring enough”.
• yada yada yada….

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Most of the time, those sayings and feelings arise when I face other difficult emotions and don’t know how to handle them. I used to cruelly nitpick at my appearance and call myself chubby, plain, unattractive, someone nobody would want, and so much more. I battled a lot more than just a diminished confidence in my appearance, though – feelings of hatred, hurt, fear, troubling relationships with many around me, stress from school. Even today, I have to watch myself when things get stressful. My “fat days” often coincide with the days I have trouble accomplishing everything I hoped.

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So many times, I discover that I do not in fact feel “fat”. Instead I feel overwhelmed and realize I need to give myself a break. Or I have something I need to share with someone who may have hurt my feelings a bit. Before I used food to shove down and hide the emotions I truly felt. Then, I began to use negative words to bury myself.

Over the years, I have gotten pretty good at pinpointing where a negative thought really comes from. Most of the time a source exists. Figuring out what instigates my frustrations helps me stop the negative thoughts before they consume me. That isn’t to say I have an “a-ha moment” and then everything turns fine and dandy afterwards. It simply helps me more appropriately face the issue at hand, without causing unnecessary damage to myself in the process.

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Do you think you use negative talk or harmful physical actions (such as binging, over-exercising, restricting, not sleeping, etc) as a way to cover up deeper feelings? Why do you think we do this? Any tips for recognizing the true source of our frustrations? I liked to simply ask “Why?” about everything. Whenever I feel myself getting emotional or negative I ask “why?”. I don’t deny my feelings, but when I realize the source often I realize its insignificance and move on naturally.

Earlier today, after sharing my goal of cooking more new things but holding off until post baby, I began thinking of how I anticipate that time to come. I can’t help but look forward to many things.

I want to cook more again...after things settle down a bit and we no longer have people stocking our pantries. I want to sleep on my stomach again…when my boobs aren’t too full and uncomfortable from all the milk production. I want to get back into my workout groove and see the changes in my body again. And I certainly want to cuddle the little man.

I love pregnancy, but do have difficulty with feeling like I’m not fully myself. I’m much more emotional and moody. I miss striving towards various fitness goals. I prefer my typical eating habits and not the crazy fullness fluctuations I currently experience. I long for the days I have the energy and physical capability to be the active, fun mom and play more with my kids. Right now it hurts to carry M, have her sit on my lap and lean against me, or run around outside with her.

I have just under 4 months left to this pregnancy. Initially, that feels like a lifetime away. Then, I recall the preparation we still have to do. Like getting some new “big girl” furniture for M. Painting two rooms. Rearranging the office into an office/guest room. Cleaning out and organizing the office and the closet to M’s “big girl” bedroom.

I realized 2 of the 4 months will revolve around the holidays. And oh yea…I really don’t want to have to be cramming things in at the last minute to finish renovations like we did before Makenzie. We remodeled our entire upstairs ourselves while I was pregnant with her. We had the final touch of carpet installed on a Friday…I went to the hospital the following Monday. Yea. No repeats of that, please!

Oh, shitake mushrooms we really don’t have much time left!!! Plus, I like my sleep. Baby, I can wait. Maybe, I’m not as impatient as I thought. 😉

• What types of things do you get impatient for?
• Do you ever think something is really far away, but then it ends up being much closer than expected? I always do. I’m a huge procrastinator because I always think I have plenty of time. Good thing I tend to work well under stress.