Too often we deny ourselves of the love and respect we deserve. We do so by shying away when others give it or through keeping a cruel commentary of our worth running through our own minds. For me, a lack of self-love manifests itself in telling myself “I am not good enough” in a variety of ways. 

• “I’m not a good enough mom”.
• “I’m not patient enough”.
• “I’m not caring enough”.
• “I’m not going to be able to achieve my goals".
• yada yada yada….

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Most of the time, those sayings and feelings arise when I face other difficult emotions and don’t know how to handle them. I used to cruelly nitpick at my appearance and call myself chubby, plain, unattractive, someone nobody would want, and so much more. I battled a lot more than just a diminished confidence in my appearance, though – feelings of hatred, hurt, fear, troubling relationships with many around me, stress from school. Even today, I have to watch myself when things get stressful. My “fat days” often coincide with the days I have trouble in the face of other issues.

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So many times, I discover that I do not in fact feel “fat”. Instead I feel overwhelmed and realize I need to give myself a break. Or I have something I need to share with someone who may have hurt my feelings a bit. Before I used food to shove down and hide the emotions I truly felt. Then, I began to use negative words to bury myself.

Over the years, I have gotten pretty good at pinpointing where a negative thought really comes from. Most of the time a source exists. Figuring out what instigates my frustrations helps me stop the negative thoughts before they consume me.That isn’t to say I have an “a-ha moment” and then everything turns fine and dandy afterwards. It simply helps me more appropriately face the issue at hand, without causing unnecessary damage to myself in the process.

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Do you think you use negative talk or harmful physical actions (such as binging, over-exercising, restricting, not sleeping, etc) as a way to cover up deeper feelings? Why do you think we do this? Any tips for recognizing the true source of our frustrations? I liked to simply ask “Why?” about everything. Whenever I feel myself getting emotional or negative I ask “why?”. I don’t deny my feelings, but when I realize the source often I realize its insignificance and move on naturally.

In these reflections, I have already discussed achieving the capacity to forgive ourselves as a means to self-love. I know many of us struggle with that, some of us more so than others. For me personally, I knew I could not forget to include forgiving others as well. Forgiving others played one of the biggest roles in my growth as a person and in the process of getting out of the negative treatment of myself. Emotions and hurt dictated my life and who I thought I was for too long. Being able to let those go helped me to move on and pursue my best life.

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It is no secret that my father is the one I had to forgive. I openly share about our past and how greatly it affected the depression I felt and initiated my binging years. Yes, my family reads the blog and knows I will continue to openly share because I believe that my full disclosure can help others. Yes, my father knows how he made me feel. And yes, he knows I forgive him.

I will never forget the things he said or did, such as saying he despised me and to go ahead and kill myself. Despite those things, I still chose to forgive because I knew only then could I change my actions and treat myself the way I deserved. Forgiveness doesn’t condone the behavior or mean you feel okay about what happened. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but an act of will to lay aside your right to retaliate and not allow the anger to control your life.

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Forgiveness holds great power. Having the capacity to forgive displays strength, compassion, and beauty. When you forgive, you make a statement of who you are. On the flip side, when you withhold forgiveness, you cling to anger, bitterness, and harsh feelings. Those build up inside of you and, with nowhere to go, often turn against you so you end up defeating yourself. Sometimes, we hold grudges against someone who doesn’t even know what they did bothers us. Sometimes they know, but simply don’t care. Why should we continue to feel such negativity in our lives and let the person who afflicted us continue on without a care? We can choose to not live in such a dark place. Forgiveness and letting go of the pain comes first.

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Do you have trouble forgiving others? What do you think are the benefits (or negatives) of forgiving others?