First of all, I want to say thank you for all of the thoughts, concern, prayers, and support from yesterday.  After being able to get everything out to you guys, having some comforting time with the hubs last night, and spending lots of time in prayer I am feeling renewed. I knew that those emotions would pass quickly and I would be good as new again. So, I understand the concerns many of you expressed that I was stressing too much about all of this. However, I assure you that is not the case. Yesterday was by far the worst of it. And for those of you who have actually tried conceiving, I know you can relate. Emotions will be strong every now and again. Not always, but sometimes and I was at that sometimes yesterday. Plus, you have to consider, when you find out you aren't pregant...it's likely you are PMS'ing! Someone tell me how fair that is?! 😉 😀 So, in short, I am back to feeling normal and am at peace with it all. All I can do is go through the motions and trust. Part of my devotional reading this morning said it best:

Communion with God can combat hopelessness. Prayer moves our attention to the Father's deep love for us, the Son's sacrifice on our behalf, and the Spirit's reassuring presence. If we become willing...to surrender personal desires [to God], peace will be ours.

Onto lighter stuff, shall we? Last week I finished reading another Nicholas Sparks book - The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. This is hew newest book and I was surprised when it became available to me at the library. I was on a 100+ person waiting list and even though I had just finished Dear John by Nicholas Sparks (review here), I was excited to read it.

The Last Song book cover

[Source]

As I mentioned before, Nicholas Sparks is know for his novels of the drama involved in love and heartache. Think The Notebook, Message in a Bottle, and A Walk to Remember - all books of his made into major motion pictures. The Last Song of course continued in this tradition, but with a slight twist. The Last Song is about a rebellious seventeen year old girl named Ronnie (short for Veronica) who is sent to North Carolina to spend the summer with her father, from whom she is very estranged and has a suffering relationship. While visiting her father, she encounters many different life lessons. From meeting another young man and beginning to fall in love, to learning about her father, and battling some stress in her own life and her troublesome past.

I have to admit, The Last Song did not start out as strong as I hoped. I had high expectations because the description of the book sounded rather compelling and most of Nicholas Sparks' books will draw you in right from the beginning. It took me longer to get into this one. I'm used to the relationships between the characters being displayed in powerful and engaging ways right from the beginning, and more often than not, the relationships that receive the focus in his books are the love affairs. The way Ronnie and Will's relationship came about was honestly kind of boring and didn't really compare to other novels of his. I didn't really care about it. At first, I thought this was a bad thing because it wasn't what I was expecting.

Then, as the book continued, I realized the biggest component of this novel was the changing relationship between Ronnie and her father. Perhaps it was because I could completely relate to a changing relationship between a father and daughter, as I too was very distant and downright hateful of my father until about 5 years ago (Iwas hurt a LOT emotionally by him growing up and he is what ultimately led to the depression I battled back then). The love story of this novel is without a doubt the love between family. I won't go into too much detail so as not to spoil the ending, but I can say it is done in typical Nicholas Sparks form. As always the book is written beautifully, is easy to follow along, a quick read, and very enjoyable. It wasn't my favorite but I would still recommend it.

Something I might not recommend...

Last Song movie with Miley

[Source]

...the making of this book into a movie with Miley Cirus as the main character. *rolling eyes*

Something to not roll your eyes at - two cool giveaways: Lisa from I'm An Okie and Kristin from Iowa Girl Eats are both having awesome giveaways.

I purged myself today. No, not the hide myself in the bathroom over the toilet purging. The good kind of purging. The kind where you just let all frustration, heartache, stress, worry, and sadness rush out of every pore and tearduct.

This morning started off with yet more confirmation of the news I was met with on Saturday, the news that was opposite of what I was expecting. Since I didn't clue you in then, I'll clue you in now.

negative

Now, I want to be clear that I know this is only the 4th month we have been trying to conceive and that it can take time. I also want to be clear that I know 100% that it will happen when the time is right and God has a plan for us. And the past few months I have been bummed when I found out I wasn't pregnant but got over it in about 30 minutes. This time has been harder. So I had to and have to still purge out some of these emotions. Bear with me and my word vomit, k?

This time has been harder for a number of reasons. The biggest one is probably that I was certain that this month was it. I felt pregnant. I had the nausea that felt exactly like it did with Makenzie. I had a strong gut feeling . And the sore tatas. Although maybe that was just from switching to Group Power classes and the insane reps and pulses used in the chest track. 😉 Anyways, there were other things too. My BBT chart had post ovulation temperatures that continued to climb and climb, instead of remaining steady like other recent cycles. BBT stands for basal body temperature. Tracking it is a very accurate way to know more about your cycles, ovulation, upcoming period, fertility, etc - for the record, post on all that coming sometime in the future. And rising temperatures after ovulation can indicate pregnancy. Just like my previous cycle chart when I got pregnant with M. So as you can see, a lot of the frustration comes from the expectations not matching the reality this time around and having to suddenly adjust to the notion that I am likely not, in fact, pregnant this month. I told you I was feeling at least 95% positive.

My Cycle Chart from Fertilityfriend.com

Even more frustration stems from fear. Fear that doing that dagnabit figure competition screwed up my innards more than I realized. There was some concern about it, which is why I put on the weight I have and have cut back a lot on my workout intensity. Why I am living and trying to be positive with having to be 10-15 lbs above my comfortable, happy weight. My body needs the extra padding to hold onto a baby. I had to do the same thing last time and it worked in 2 months. But I get scared that it won't this time. 4 months is not forever. I know that. But what if I did more damage than I realized with the diet restrictions and the super intense workouts? What if 4 months turns into 6 months turns into a year turns into more time? It hurts to think of it. Which leads me also to BEG anyone out there who spends excessive energy in workouts (I would say more than 6 hours a week) and restricting food (less than 1500/day imo) to rethink their practices!! Please please please! But that is a post for another time...

So, the Negative Nancy side of me is coming out. And I don't like it. So today was about purging. Spewing out emotions on the blog. Kicking and punching and sweating out some serious frustration this morning in a kickbox class, which ironically was a super intense workout in a probable passive aggressive way of retaliation to my efforts so far not working. Taking a scalding hot shower and just letting the tears flow. Praying HARD to God with desperate cries to please let it be soon because the fear is sending me to a negative place that I don't know if I am ready to battle again.

Now, I will suck it up. Because I have to go be a housewife and get things in order around here after a hectic not caring morning. And I have to prepare for the marathon tutoring sessions that await me tonight. And I have to be a mom. Insert reality check here. I am already blessed to be a mom, to the most precious child alive.

My Makenzie

Thank God for her. Thank God for his grace. Thank God for the hope he provides. Thank God. No matter what, he is always worthy of my praise and will always love me, even when I purge and spew negativity. 🙂