Hi everyone. I have a LOT to get off my chest right now....so please bear with me and it will explain my MIA moments from my blog.

My heart is just not in it. Don't worry - I am still doing the show. I have done too much to not get on with the rest of it these last 2.5 weeks. And getting on stage is still something I want to accomplish and am psyched that I am going to finish. I don't want any regrets in my life and I know that if I didn't do this then I would have a regret and always have that "what if" pondering in the back of my mind. But still - I'm not into it. I have my moments where it is thrilling but for the most part, I am so over it you wouldn't believe how frustrating it is. And no it's not just because I am tired, hungry, stressed, etc. It is because I have gotten to where a lot of the time I feel like "What is the point?!?" I can understand goals and how doing shows is a focus that some people enjoy but I have certainly realized during this prep and especially in the last week or so that it is NOT ME. I miss the days of working out for the sake of it making me feel good, strong, happy, and healthy. I long for the days where I could eat healthy, balanced meals of what I want without thinking about measuring/weighing/calculating/fitting etc. I want to go back to the times when there was no guilt accompanied by wanting to enjoy a vacation, date, or my daughter's birthday. I can't wait to do things for ME and the fact that I enjoy it instead of for a date looming over my head like a dark raincloud.

Yes - I do plan to keep working hard. Yes - I do plan to do the show and make the best of it. But yes - I also am counting down the days and am in tears at times wishing it was over so I can go back to my LIFE! This is not how I live my life...I thrive to live with enjoying my family, friends, work in the church, taking care of myself, etc at the center and I don't feel like working to get on stage meshes well with what matters to me. I was talking to Peter last night about how sad I am that I won't be able to fully enjoy Makenzie's first birthday party. He said, "eating cake and icecream doesn't equal enjoying her party so you're fine". I told him its not about the eating. It's about the fact that on the day of her birthday party I will have to be thinking about being sure to get my workout in in the morning, then rushing to get things ready, then no matter how you cut it it will SUCK watching everyone else enjoy some treats while I can't and I resent the feeling of I can't instead of if I chose not to at that time (not I chose not to when deciding to compete so don't throw that BS at me bec I get that)....and its about that the stress of the show coming up, will I be ready, I have to be sure I am taking the time to get my meals prepped and eaten instead of spending time with company, etc etc etc, the neverendingness of it all. And that's just one DAY! I feel like even though I am still doing things with my family, leading my church group, taking care of my motherly/wifely responsibilities the passion and love for those things that used to encompass me is being edged out by the competing. Don't tell me - "oh don't feel that way" or "oh you are worrying too much". I really am not "worrying" too much. I could give two shits these days about it honestly. But I am not a quitter so I keep on. I have already paid the money for the entry fee and tickets for my family to come watch - so doing the show is a done deal. I just want it over and to check it off my list of I did something I've always wondered about and then be able to walk away and never look back.

I haven't been posting much here because when I'm here or on my blog or wherever the show talk feels like the focus of what I need to talk about and such and I am just avoiding it. I do what needs to be done with workouts/meals/etc and then I walk away and prefer to spend my free time busy with things around the house, with Peter, with Makenzie, with a good book, with a tv show, basically anything but fitness talk. I hope this rambling makes sense. And please please please don't respond with some condescending oh it will be ok message. I know it will be - which is why I look forward to it being over. Or telling me it will be worth it - I know it will be bec I set out to accomplish this and I WILL be DAMN proud to have done it...doesn't mean I have to be excited about what it's doing to my life at the moement. Don't tell me its only a little bit left - I know that and when you want it to just be over and done with, time stretches out indefinitely. Don't tell me I am letting it get to me too much - you be in my shoes and feel as though life is passing you by when it doesn't have to and its bec of some decision you made 12 weeks ago and not something that just happened to you and see how easy it is to not let it bother you. Sorry for the rant but I just have to clear it all. Do I know that I know you all love and support me TONS. And I do appreciate it immensely. There are just some things I can't stand hearing or talking about right now and I hope you understand and respect that with me not being around much and being a bit cranky about the whole show thing and what I'm feeling. Love you all!

The past few days things have been up, down, side to side, backwards, forwards, and everywhere in between. My mind has gone in circles and it has all just been dizzying and a lot to handle. The emotions and mental games of competition prep are something else! It's interesting to feel as though things are harder than ever but easier all at the same time. The workouts, continued deficit food intake (sounds nicer than dieting, huh? haha), the planning. etc are all harder than ever to get through. But then, at the same moment, I can think I am only 19 days away from the finish line so everything seems brighter and more manageable too. Knowing that I only have so many days left of the limited eats and intense cardio makes it bearable to go through the motions. Knowing that in a week I will be getting my hair done, a few days after that having my wax, a few days after that my nails, and then getting glammed up for the show is exciting. Thinking about how FAST less than three weeks will go by is exhilarating.

BUT there is anxiety mixed in there as well. For example, last night was the 2nd time in the past week I have had a very very very realistic and intense dream where it was show day and I was at the venue, expected to go on stage in like 20 minutes.....with NO suit, tanner, makeup, hair, ANYTHING done. I wake up freaked and upset thinking all my effort was wasted. Come on now! And there is the feeling of isn't this all done YET!??? It's overwhelming all the time that goes into it and I just want to be intuitive again with what I eat, when I eat, etc and not having to schedule things around workouts and the more limited time I have these last days. Even though I don't let this competition prep stuff rule my life and am still a mother, wife, friend, etc first....I still miss the freedoms and ease of my life from a few short months ago and another few weeks when thinking about it that way seems like forever away.

So - I guess the point of this post is just to share that its weird. I am excited, pumped, and sooooo ready to have fun with the show and bust out 100% these last few weeks and the other half is just DONE! I know the first of the two sides will be victorious and carry me through these weeks with hopefully minimal disruptions from the exhausted side. But it is there. It is a struggle. It is hard. I guess that's what makes it worth it.......and worth it oh it will be. No doubt about that.