I’m Sorry For Judging You
Happy Sunday, loves! I have another special Self-Love Reflections: YOUR Stories post for you. Please welcome Lisa from the blog Fat Chick Fed Up. She is pretty phenomenal, so I hope you show her some love. 🙂
Hi everyone, I’m "The Chick" (aka Lisa), from over at Fat Chick Fed Up. I'm a wife and stay-at-home homeschooling mama to four. I blog about the epic weight-loss journey of a severely obese woman (that's me!) trying to improve her quality of life and living to tell about it - the sometimes painful, sometimes ugly, but often beautiful story of it. Thanks for letting me hi-jack Tina’s blog today.
I have been blogging on a family blog for a few years now. While I am not new to blogging, what I am new to is taking care of myself and being concerned about my health and fitness. That is why I started Fat Chick Fed Up. I wanted to chronicle my journey to lose 200 pounds the healthy way, and I wanted help doing it.
About 7 weeks ago, when I first decided to start blogging about my weight-loss journey, I had 200 pounds to lose. My starting weight was 330 pounds. In 7 weeks I have lost 21 pounds. My husband (aka "The Chick Magnet"), who is also on this journey with me, has lost 33 pounds in the same amount of time. Check out our first "before and after" shots! But weight is not the only thing I have lost. Actually, it's not even the most important thing I have lost.
Blogging my weight-loss thing has had some unexpected results. When I first started out, I was scared. No, that’s not the right word. Terrified describes it better. I had not allowed myself to be photographed for years. I had never told anyone my weight, apart from my doctor. I refused to admit how bad the problem really was. I was convinced that I was constantly being watched and judged.
I am glad to say, though, that in addition to the 21 pounds gone, never to be seen or heard from again, I have lost that feeling of terror. With it I have lost a lot of presumptions and presuppositions, a lot of judgment, and a good measure of self-centered pride.
You see, while I was so busy worrying about being judged by other people, especially “fit” and “skinny” people, I was the one standing in judgment. I was so busy hating myself, wallowing in self-pity, convincing myself that I could never change things for myself, that I had decided that is the way everyone else must see me too. I hated knowing that the first impression people had of me was that of a fat, lazy slob. I felt like I automatically had to be on guard whenever I met someone new, all defenses on high alert because I just KNEW what they were thinking. I was completely overcome with shame.
It took me quite a while before I decided to throw caution to the wind and put myself out there for the world to see. I had to get so fed up with my situation that the pain of staying the same was greater to me than the pain of changing.
Taking that leap of faith and writing my very first blog post was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was so nervous and worried about the reaction I would get. I was disgusted with myself and I figured everyone else would be too.
Guess what?
I was wrong. WAY WRONG.
When I made this realization, I had to apologize to my blog readers. And here I am apologizing to you. Why? So glad you asked.
I am apologizing because I sold you short. I didn’t give you enough credit. I didn’t trust you. Because, really, what I was terrified of was you. I was judging YOU, not the other way around. I was afraid you wouldn't accept me. I was afraid of judgment and ridicule. I was afraid of taking a risk on you.
I’m sorry.
What I have since come to realize is that I am not alone. I read stories like Tina’s struggle with her weight, eating disorder, and own personal issues with self-esteem and I realize that I am not alone. It truly never occurred to me that people who look “skinny” on the outside could be suffering the same internal torment that I was.
I didn’t understand that a dear friend of mine - petite, blonde, beautiful, mom-of-four - could really empathize until she thanked me one day for my blog and said, “You are saying what we all wish we could say.”
I didn’t get it until friends and strangers alike began writing me and telling me how they had struggled, ALONE, for years with similar feelings, with the same lack of self-worth.
It didn’t sink in until people started telling me how brave I was, that I was an inspiration, that they felt the exact same way.
Me? Brave? Inspiring?
Are you sure you have the right person?
All I did was lose 20 pounds.
However, it really wasn’t about the weight after all. It was about my pride and about my self-hatred. Living in that negativity deceived me into believing that I was alone and that I could never change and that no one could ever see anything of value in me while I looked the way I did. What I found through starting this little blog of mine is that the things I was writing about were universal. Just about everyone I know experiences the same feelings and fears at one point or another. It may not always revolve around weight issues, but the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt are there nonetheless. This is the human condition.
The difference now? I STILL look the same. I still weigh over 300 pounds and have almost 200 pounds to lose.
Now, though, my heart is different. I KNOW I am not traveling this road alone. I know my value is NOT determined by the numbers on the scale. I. AM. NOT. ALONE. And neither are you.
- Have you ever felt judged for your weight? How did you handle it?
