I think I have alluded to the things going through my head and what I’ve been planning out (with God’s help) enough. Now it’s time to officially get this show on the road. I’m admittedly nervous. Okay…make that very, very nervous. Why? Because I care about this A LOT. It has been put on my heart for awhile now to do something to bring us closer to fully loving ourselves. Self- love is such a difficult thing for many to grasp and truly believe. I’m still a work in progress and always will be. However, I know I have made tremendous strides in past years. A lot of that came from participating in what I am about to propose here. Bear with me as I go through a bit of background and then get to the nitty gritty details. Kay?

The Background
Many of you know, I struggled with binge eating in my past. I can vividly recall times driving home from work where I would stop at the store to pick something up to shove down my throat to hide other emotions and a strong feeling of worthlessness in the process. Or staying home “sick” from work to have a day to just wallow with food. I hid it for years. From early 2004 until the very end of 2007. I can recall my first binge in detail as well as my last one before recovery.

How did recovery happen for me? I stopped expecting to just be able to suddenly make that change and finally decided to take a long hard look at myself. I took time every morning to reflect on things about life and how to appreciate myself more fully. For me, this time was prayer to God, but I also believe any personal reflection would have helped in the process to save me from myself. Even after conceiving little M, which solidified my efforts in becoming binge-free, I depended on that personal reflection. Lately, wonderful friends – from church, from everyday life, from blogs (LISA!!) – have mentioned time and time again how my decision to use prayer and self reflection to overcome my personal image issues also helped them. My original thinking was simply, “Cool! I’m glad it helped”. Then, in no other way to describe it besides God working through me, I couldn’t deny that I could share this in a more widespread manner. So here comes the details…as short and pain-free as possible. I know this post is uber-long.

What: 30 Days of Reflection for Self-Love

Who: Anyone!! Literally – pass this along to whoever. Share it on your blog or with people outside of the blogosphere. Everyone can participate. This is NOT a prayer or Christian only cause. It is for every person who wants to take time to love him or herself and gain a new perspective on their value. Call it prayer, meditation, self reflection, quiet time…whatever. It is for EVERYBODY!

Where: Here on Faith, Fitness, Fun with a very short post published every morning with the brief message to reflect on each day.

When: I will begin the daily reflection posts on September 1 and they will continue for the 30 days of the month of September. Take literally 5 minutes sometime throughout each day to reflect on the topic.

Why: To help us all learn to love ourselves more and to uplift one another in the process. To begin to realize our true beauty and value. To battle the inner dialogue that strives to bring us down.

I fought taking this step. Purely out of fear. That no one will care. That no one will see the point. That no one will participate. Then, I came to the realization, it doesn’t matter how many this helps. It matters if it helps just one person understand their worth more. I trust God to reach who He wants to reach. And I pray that you fabulous ladies help support this. If you know you want to participate and feel like this can reach others the same way I believe, look for a special (SHORT) post in the morning strictly for stating your interest. It’s not a huge commitment, but could be one very worth each of our while. Let’s do this together - sharing a community of love and recognizing just how wonderful each of us are!

I am so happy that all of you are enjoying the Intuitive Eating posts. I really love writing them. If you want more in depth information, be sure to check out the book I get my inspiration and ideas from – Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch.

From yesterday’s post in the series, it definitely sounds like many of us struggle with recognizing our fullness and taking the time to be aware of it when eating. I will be the first to admit that is one of my biggest challenges with intuitive eating as well. I have always been a fast eater and grew up with the “clean your plate” mentality ingrained into me. I vividly remember a dinner during a family vacation when I was 12. My cousin and I wanted to order off the adult menu because they had coconut shrimp. We were told if we ordered them, we must eat the entire thing. We both got full only about halfway into the meal and were forced to finish with our parents and aunt looming over us. It came as no surprise when we both ended up in the bathroom a short time later throwing up our too packed tummies.

I remember eating intuitively my late years of high school and my first two years of college. Then, all of that changed when I got on a diet plan. I ate by the clock and would not pay attention to how hungry I was. I completely lost sight of what satisfied felt like. I knew “hungry” or “too full”. I had such a rigid eating schedule and was always so hungry at meal times that I would eat so fast out of the pure excitement to finally get to eat. There was no room for recognizing hunger because I had to eat my particular meals no matter what my body was telling me. I was out of touch with my body’s natural signals because my diet rules controlled my life.

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In an attempt to rebel against the rules and say they had no control over me, I swung to the opposite end of the spectrum. I began binging. When I binged, it was all about the out of control feeling and eating as much as I could as fast as I could.

I remember there were times I would stop by the grocery store on my way home from work to buy a box of cookies, candy, a dozen doughnuts, whatever…and would devour the entire thing in the 30 minutes it took me to get home.

Or even before that, when I was still living at home with my parents, I would have to sneak to the kitchen and eat as much as I could in the few minutes I knew I had before somebody came downstairs. I probably didn’t even chew some of the food in an effort to pack it in.

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I would hide out in my bedroom when I lived with a roommate and get extremely anxious when I heard her come home because my mouth was so full and I would worry I didn’t have time to swallow my food before she came in my room to say hi.

I would buy a tray of brownies, bags of candy, and some ice cream sandwiches and make up an elaborate story about throwing a birthday party for someone so they wouldn’t know it was all for me. I would even throw a card in with my purchase to make it look more real.

I remember one time after a particularly grueling fight with my dad going to a local pizza shop to buy a $5 large cheese carryout pizza and sitting in a remote corner of a parking lot eating it in my car.

That is the ugly truth of where I have come from. That is just how out of touch I was with my hunger and my body’s needs. What changed that and shaped that was recognizing what truly matters. God, my husband, and my growing baby. I didn’t start feeling more in control of those actions until trying to get pregnant with Makenzie. I didn’t fully stop them until I actually was pregnant with her. Seeing all the wonders that go into God creating a human being through me left me with more respect for myself and more aware of the most important blessings in life. My faith grew beyond a basic “I believe God is out there” and along with my faith came an intense desire to honor God, part of which included loving me because He loved me. It took a LOT of prayer, even more encouragement from my husband, and a little miracle of a child to show me the importance of respecting myself and listening to my body. As Quinn from Glee says, “don’t wait to get pregnant to feel at home in your body and to respect it”. Or something along those lines.

It also took time and effort to truly pay attention to my body. I know recognizing fullness and being aware of your eating is a very difficult practice to adopt, but very worth it. I still have to really pay attention and recognize my hunger. I have to consciously make myself slow down and pause during every meal. It is hard, like so many things in life, but taking the time to decide if you are satisfied, hungry, or full brings many rewards…like rarely going hungry or uncomfortable from food again. I do say rarely, because lets be real...I can still eat too much at times. Typically a social gathering where I am distracted from my eating and there are too many goodies to try. I don't feel guilty for it though because I am still in control and aware. It takes practice, but it does become a little more natural as time goes on.