Hello everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend. My weekend recap can be found here. Nothing life altering, but good nonetheless. Although there was something from the weekend that I decided to save for today's post.

Yesterday, while doing the blog catchup thing, I was really moved by a post Katie from Health for the Whole Self did. Her blog is absolutely fabulous and I adore it. Probably because we are on the same page with what makes up a person's wellness and health. Anyways, her posts are always a joy to read. They give great information, cool food ideas, and at times provoke some intense thoughts.

Her recent posts about a special black bathing suit were definitely thought provoking for me. It was a two part post (Part 1 and Part 2) from an essay she wrote for Caitlin's Operation Beautiful book.  The essay dialogs an experience where she found the perfect black bathing suit and how her feelings in it she realized ultimately tied to her own self worth, confidence, and how she viewed herself. At the end of her posts, she asked if anyone else could relate? Um, yeah! Is there any female out there who can't? So I'll share my response to this post here instead of flooding her comment section 😉

This post brought me back to a time in my life where clothing's look and fit, the scale, weight loss, etc defined me and my life. A dark time. A very, very dark time. I'll do a not-so-brief history lesson. What can I say? A lot goes into it. My father and I had a great relationship until I was about age 12, when he decided to open his own business and got sucked in. He had no time for the family. Except for his extremely high expectations of our duties and how what we did reflected on him. He was basically a slave driver and that was the extent of his relationship to us during that time. It wasn't so bad yet, but without a doubt I didn't care too much for my father and was delighted when graduation came and I was out of the house.

not so genuine smiles at high school graduation

Then it got really bad. For work and my major, I ended up doing lots of subbing to work towards my education degree and worked mainly in the school system where my parents lived. To save money I moved back home and the tension between my father and I escalated. To the point where every day there was screaming, yelling, emotional slander, and at times taking a physical hitting. The most memorable was probably the  "I've tried to love you because I'm supposed to but I just can't and don't care, so just kill yourself" comment he gave me. Which I immediately set out to do. I was deeply depressed at this time and the way I got any sense of pleasure in my life was to have a sense of control through weight loss.

My entire self worth depended on how the scale dropped. I spent a TON of money on new clothes because I could feel good in them and get attention. I also blew through a lot of savings by buying an endless amount of exercise videos and products. My life revolved around my 1000 calorie/day meals and my hours upon hours of workouts and fitness "research". This is also when my issues with binging developed as an emotional reaction to the toughest times with my father. I was a pendulum going between "perfection" and "I don't give a crap" and it all related to food and my personal "skinny" journey. That was all that mattered and since I had no love from my father, I sought after being "good enough" in other ways.

Restriction

Binge Eating

[Source 1]     [Source 2]

Fortunately, I moved out a couple of years into enduring that. Went down an even more self destructive path of too much partying with friends and then woke up to realize I was missing something. Found other goals, got back some faith, and turned my life around. Over many years and plenty of tearful conversations there was forgiveness. Not only to my dad, but also to myself and my body. I still have moments where seeing myself not at my fittest discourages me. But I am so incredibly thankful that it is minimal.

I realize clothing size, weight, and how I look has NOTHING to do with my self worth. I am worth so much more than that. And I sincerely ache when I see other women get down regularly about themselves. Or when I see them addicted to eating very little or exercising incessantly. It always makes me wonder what they are trying to escape or control. I pray one day we can all open our eyes to our own unique beauty and be proud of it. It is tough. But no black bathing suit or size 0 jeans, those were my depression days "worth booster", can tell you that you matter. You have a voice. Tell yourself. You matter. You are amazing.

We are all Beautiful!

[Source]

Good morning all! I firstly want to thank you wonderful women for all the support 🙂 It truly means a lot. And while I know the cereal won't kill my progress (as was visible this morning when I could still see all my abs 😉 hehe), the thing that concerned me the most is that I was blindly eating and more than I knew was necessary (we are talking a BIG bowl here, with 2nds of that monster to follow). The way I was eating reminded me of how I felt and ate when I used to binge. The amount may have been MUCH less, but still the attitude and approach and thought processes that went into it are what scared the (you know what) out of me. I have not done something so self-sabotaging in so long. Even in times this past year I have eaten a bit more than I should have or eaten something extra/"off-plan" it was never in such a secretive, guilty, spiteful, negative manner. I do NOT want to go back there. I REFUSE to go back there. 


So, what now? I realized a few things yesterday after sharing what happened with Peter and talking out my thoughts, hurts, etc. with him. The past couple of months I have been very driven by this competition. No one can deny that planning the food, organizing the details, getting the workouts in, taking time to practice posing/research online/etc etc etc takes a lot out of a person. Despite all that, I have not let this all get in the way of my responsibilities as a wife and mother. Peter says that he doesn't see a difference in attitude or how I treat him, he doesn't see an excessive change in my time with him and M, and overall doesn't notice a change in those general aspects of my life. But deep down, I knew something wasn't right. I knew something wasn't aligned right with my life. And when taking a closer look - it hit me smack hard across the face that what I claim is the most valuable part of my life is what was slipping into the very spare moments I could grab in a day instead of the focus of my day. My relationship with God - my faith. 


Now to some that may seem cheesy or superficial. But I can't ignore the fact that every tough time in my life I was only able to come through it by putting it in God's hands and turning my focus back to Him. From small things such as stresses of school or work, to big things like a changing relationship with my father, He has been the only true help I could count on and that would suddenly help everything seem right and manageable. I have to get that part of my life in order so that I can get through the remainder of prep. Otherwise I very well could end up back in a very dark place, which would in the process be spitting in God's face after He has already helped me out of said "dark place". So here goes - 


God, 
50 days left in this prep. 50. That's it. Right here, right now, I recommit these next 50 days to spending more time growing my faith and getting back to my solid habits that sustain me there. I put my focus on YOU the next 50 days, knowing that by doing so I will make it to that stage fulfilled, happy, with more to my life than pride. These next 50 days will be a whole lot less about me me me and what I can do and whole lot more about YOU and knowing it is only through YOUR will, support, and guidance that I can do anything. I am going to try refocusing how I look at each day. I will begin each day a few minutes earlier so I can have some time to be with You in prayer and get my thoughts aligned with You for the day. I will pray before workouts, before meals, at night after devotional reading with Peter, all day - every chance I get. After all - we are commanded to "pray without ceasing" (1 Thessalonians 5:17). I will turn my radio to 104.7 (sidenote to readers: the popular Christian station - and no it isn't all gospely crazy music like you may think - I actually enjoy this music a LOT and its my 1st preprogrammed station anyways - even if I have found myself slipping off it more recently). I will focus more on the lessons I prepare for each Sunday's lesson, instead of just going through the motions to get it done. I give these next 50 days to You, God. Help me use them as a way to honor You. And knowing your great love for me, that You will bless me and honor me in return by putting me on that stage on November 7th strong, confident, happy, and beaming with the love you have for me. 
Love, your daughter, 
Christina


This may seem tedious to some, but I can guarantee you that if you gave realigning your focus a shot, once you got into the habit it would be seamless and so incredibly worth it. That is the truth for me and that is what I must do now. 50 Days. It's a gift. I must use it wisely. Which even includes resting my back today 😉