Happy afternoon! I have some things I need to take a few moments to discuss this afternoon. I hope you receive them well because each of you mean so much to me. Faith, Fitness, Fun would not be where it is today without you and would have no chance of developing as I hope it to in the future without your support either.

I feel the 30 Days of Self-Love working in ways I never anticipated. My feelings in relation to the initiative greatly surprised me. I shared some confessions last week about the 30 Days in my “I Have Weak Moments” post. I thought that emotionally draining post would last me through the last 20 or so days. Apparently, I thought wrong.

Recently I have faced some disturbing feelings. I felt lost in a sense. I felt as though the 30 Days has begun to eclipse my blog voice which I worked so hard to find. Sometimes my blog doesn’t feel like me. And the only reason I can come up with for it is the 30 Days.

I took a long, hard look at why. I still feel just as strongly, if not more so, that positive reflections can make a profound impact in how we view ourselves and how we live out our lives. I still believe in sharing uplifting messages on topics that need attention. I still hope to provide support to others and for Faith, Fitness, Fun to be a common ground people can come to in search of a fun and uplifting environment.

That’s when it hit me. I felt lost because I felt I had lost some of the fun. Check out my blog name! Fun is a pretty integral part of who I am and my values. After typing today’s post I discovered even more. Today’s post was more my style. It wasn’t quite as serious, but still shared a strong message. I hit publish with a smile on my face and a light heart. Prior posts started to become more about a task to do and feeling the pressure to do it well.  I wasn’t using my true blog voice.

I will not end this 30 Days movement. Like I said above, I still have a fire burning inside me for it to reach people. I still care about the message and each of you participating in that message. This all simply means I will work to regain a sense of myself and my blog though during the last half of September. My posts will cover the same topics I planned to, but may be written in a slightly different style. I also want to regain a sense of sharing who I am on the blog. For that reason, my posting schedule will likely change.

It’s very hard for me to find the appropriate words to portray what I currently think and feel. I do NOT want to take away from the 30 Days and the impact it is making for some. It has already taught me so many things simply by leading it and I appreciate every second I put into it. I do NOT want to seem all “me, me, me” because that is not the reason I hope to share more of my thoughts and experiences again. I simply want to get back to what I worked so hard for Faith, Fitness, Fun to become in recent months. I no longer want to be lost within myself and the guidelines, pressures, etc I was placing on myself the past couple of weeks. Please understand and I hope you will stick around for the changes. Will you join me?

• Have you ever feared making change because of what other people may think? Do you still go for it?
• What’s the hardest part of blogging in your opinion? I think finding what works for you personally, but will also help keep your blog working as you hope is really difficult. I want my blog to motivate others in all areas – healthy living through balance, fitness (which you’ll hopefully get more from after this baby ;)), making the most out of life, what faith can do in a life, overcoming past trials, etc. I want to accomplish those things and it takes a lot of time and soul-searching to determine how my writing and blogging style works for that purpose.

I have my weak moments as well. I do not deny how far I have come. I can still rely on my capabilities to push past negative moments as swiftly as possible. However, they do still arrive. In many various forms. Days come where I feel like a failure. Where I ponder if the things I work hard at possess the same worth I place in them. Where frustrations, what-ifs, and not-good-enoughs wrap their claws around me. The past few days left me with the following thoughts and emotions:

1. Is the 30 DSLR really doing what I hoped? The 30 Days movement started off as an incredibly powerful force. I could feel the energy from so many bursting forth. As the week went on, the fire dimmed. I expected as much since the initial moments of anything spark more interest that won’t necessarily last. I also expected lower participation over the weekend, especially a holiday one. I guess maybe it comes with not expecting it to drop by half and to have people seeming to want nothing to do with it anymore. Only a week in. Will this even be what I hoped at day 30? Will it even have a shot of continuing past September to have the chance to reach even more lives?

I want to clarify right here and right now that I do not do the 30 DSLR for attention, blog visits, pride, etc. I hope it comes through that I care and believe in this. I want more than anything for this to reach as many as possible and for it to provide the same start of hope and joy to them as it gave me years ago and continues giving me to this very day. I must also admit though, that I have allowed myself to get caught up in my hopes and expectations instead of trusting. Today I received a very special email showing someone believed I could help and a few comments that affirmed why I do this. I put a lot into it and I want it to go as far as possible. God will handle that though. And I need to stop worrying if the reach appears to have lessened. All that matters lies with giving this my heart and letting God do the rest.

2. Am I doing enough to support my family? M had a doctor visit today for some pretty nasty looking bumps on her eye and nose. The husband didn’t think she needed to go and it would pass on its own with the hot compresses + Neosporin we’ve been using. I said I must take her to the doctor in case its an infection. What was the protocol? You guessed it. Compresses + Neosporin for the nose. And a $100+ bill coming our way, thankyaverymuch

I’ll admit that I felt guilty. For costing us that unnecessary money and not really contributing fiscally towards it. I tutor to help earn a bit of extra income, but it isn’t much. I want to pursue writing and love doing the blog but the mere pennies from that doesn’t mean anything financially. Emotionally, for sure! But I can’t pay a medical bill with my happy blogger feelings. I sometimes get caught up in how I should do more.

I know better though. I know I should count my blessings for the opportunity to be home with my children and pursue my dreams. For having the time to do things I care about (like the 30 DSLR). I know that doctor bill won’t put us in the hole and I simply protected my daughter by bringing her there. I know I do not sit idly at home and that I work very hard. And that one day I will work very hard again in a traditional sense with some form of income. I also know others face much more difficulty financially and we are very luck to have what we do. Why should I complain?

3. How come I can’t do things this pregnancy like last time? I feel like I have grown quite a bit in the past couple of weeks, which happens typically around the 5.5 month mark. I notice softer and more cellulite-y thighs, a wider/flatter butt, and less definition. I know its normal and it will come off. Yet for some reason, this time frustrates me. My body aches worse than it ever did with M. This week the only workouts I have the stamina, energy, or capability of handling consist of brief walks. I know I need to listen to my body, but I will say it’s hard. Since I refuse to change my eating habits based on activity and trust my hunger, I also have encountered my mind questioning certain things like my daily handful of candy corn as a treat.

I had the most difficulty overcoming the negative thought processes of the first scenario. Probably because it so deeply involves my heart and I can’t get reassurance as easily as I can from my husband. Certain occurrences today reaffirmed me though and I now feel better. My daily Bible verse I receive fit perfectly too - “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”  Fortunately, the other two lasted less than a day…or even half a day, but I felt compelled to share them.

I don’t have it all together. I simply do my best. Each and every day. I still need those lessons and reminders on perspective, trusting my body, confidence, love from others, and putting too much emphasis on looks over the true gifts of the body. Perhaps that is why I want so much for 30 DSLR to reach others. I still see it playing out its positive effects in my life. Years later. I give a very heart-felt thank you to each of you who participate. Thank you. And thank you for allowing me to vent on and on in this post as well. 😉

• What types of scenarios hit you the hardest? Can you relate to any of my weaker moments?