This post is a pretty serious one. If you’re looking for more light hearted reading this fine Monday morning, check these out from the weekend:

• Cliché – my cliché Friday afternoon
• And I Lived To Tell About It – ten miles on the treadmill
• Argh, Matey! – attended a cute birthday party and the FFF Features of the week
• An Ordinary, But Still Memorable, Day – recap of yesterday
• Self-Love Reflection of the Week: The Strength Within

I like to think of myself as a positive person. I trust that God loves, cares, and provides for me. I have faith in His plans. I believe in hope and generally approach life with an optimistic point of view. With the exception of one thing – my irrational fear.

With Peter out of town this weekend, I found myself engulfed by my irrational fear, just as I do anytime he goes away. Anytime he runs late without letting me know. Anytime I get behind the wheel of my car.  Anytime I see some changes in a mole or freckle.

I spent Friday night bawling like a baby at times on the couch while watching NBC’s special on 9/11. The testimonies, especially those of women who had young children and suddenly faced single motherhood, really hit me hard. I get this overwhelming pit in my gut that I will face something similar one day. 

I don’t know why I’m such a pessimist in this way, but for as long as I can remember I have had this almost instinctual feeling that I will one day lose someone very near and dear to me unexpectedly from a bad accident or incurable illness – Peter or one of my kids – or that I will experience one myself and have to leave them behind.

I don’t quite know where this irrational fear comes from, but I can never seem to fully shake it. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s always buried somewhere inside of me to come out when I’m vulnerable. Like when I don’t have Peter around or when hearing other women’s testimonies of such things as 9/11. I just sit there and think “could I ever survive something like that?”.

I know those thoughts and worries are nothing compared to the heartache others go through in reality (not just inside their nightmares), but I needed to share the emotional mess I felt this weekend. I guess I know how much pain life can bring as I felt it in previous parts of my life. I almost wonder how things can be so good now….and how it could possibly last forever. 

I don’t quite know where I’m going with this post. I know it’s pretty depressing and I apologize for laying it on all of you. But if there is one thing I do, it is write what is on my heart and my irrational fear weighed on me a lot this weekend.

And because optimism is what I try to do, I can at least see some good coming from this deep gut feeling I can’t seem to shake – It makes me pray for my family’s safety and health every day. It makes me cherish the time I have with them because we truly never know how long it may last. And it helps me know that I don’t have control over everything, only He does…and even when we don’t understand, His control is for the greater good.

• Do you have any irrational fears or worries?
• How do you vent the things you feel you HAVE to get out of your thoughts? Obviously I blog mine out. I promise to be back with my more upbeat attitude later!

Before we go any further, I have to say that you all crack me up! Here I go taking the time to write a thoughtful post on blogging numbers and then you all get riled up on my post about sports bras! This is why I love blogging as I do. I can write whatever my little heart desires so we have some fun…and still think a little too. Hint Hint: You just wait for the fun that’s coming your way around lunch time today. It’s a goody!

Last night we had another Grow Group session at church. Grow Group is basically a small group of twelve of us that meet together on a regular basis to share a meal and then dive into some discussion on our recent sermons to hopefully dig a little deeper and grow a little more in our faiths. It’s a fun time and does that thing of building relationships which you all know I love so much.

My friend Danielle who acts as the host of our group ran with the idea of a themed salad bar for last night’s dinner. This week’s theme = Santa Fe salads!!

Everyone contributed a couple different ingredients to help put together a great selection for a build your own Santa Fe salad. You know I chipped in some avocado and pineapple. Mmmm mmm mmm. It just wouldn’t be right without them getting invited to the party.

And a party it was with all the fabulous flavors.

Mixed greens, creamy avocado chunks, tomato, pineapple, corn, some cheddar cheese (still obsessed), and some red beans for protein. I used two heaping scoops of salsa as my dressing – one scoop of fresh black bean and corn salsa and one scoop of an artichoke garlic salsa. Mmmmm mmmmm. I lurve a good salad!

After getting food in our bellies, we finally got to the more in-depth discussion part of the night. You know we were talking up a storm while eating too, but part of the night is learning and growing with each other.

We’re studying the fruits of the spirit right now in our worship services and this week focused on patience. You know I don’t like getting all preachy up in here, but I think this topic is one we can ALL relate to so I figured why not touch on it a bit?

A few things stuck out to me in our convos that really hold such truth:

• We spend so much time hurrying from one part of life to the next that we can end up not fully living and allowing life to pass us by…missing the chance to notice our blessings and do the #1 thing we’re meant to do – LOVE!
• You have to practice patience! You can’t just expect to have it one day. You have to actively pay attention to what sets you off and then choose patience. Over and over again until it becomes more natural. <-- Have a feeling that is easier said than done!
• Have an attitude of understanding. A lot of our impatience comes from selfish desires. If we try to understand where someone else in the situation is coming from, we may gain an attitude of grace and more patience. Lord knows I have to practice that every time I’m around my father. He can get my teeth grinding in less than 5 seconds if I don’t remember he is his own person with his own “unique” qualities.

And lastly…this quote really struck a chord with me:

I have to be patient in so many goals I have for myself – being a good mother, making progress in my fitness, studying for personal training (Courtney – I know you relate!), and those goals I have for this little space on the ‘net. Hmmmm….I have a feeling God wants to teach me lessons in patience. He must know I need it!  

• What topping would you have to contribute to a Santa Fe or taco salad?
• What situation/person gets your blood boiling, making it harder to be patient?