I managed to keep a smile on my face yesterday and get through the day okay despite minor annoyances. I did have something niggling at my insides though and today it has run me down.

You see, while going through photos from our Meet Us at the Manger event at the church I stumbled across this photo that Peter had taken.

Besides the fact that he really only knows how to work the camera on Auto, this picture immediately sent me reeling with all sorts of negativity.

Is that what I look like right now? Do I really look THAT big? THAT tired? THAT plain? And that much unlike what I’m used to seeing? And I left the house that night thinking I actually looked decent for a change!!! How BAD do I look  other times?

I asked Peter about it and could see the hesitation. That’s all it took. He of course still assured me that I look great, that it’s not much longer, that I’m pregnant and naturally going to look/be bigger, that the photo is an unflattering shot, and that he loves me now more than ever. He said all the right things. I smiled and accepted them and pushed those initial feeling aside. Then, I visited my friend, who even after surgery still looks great. She shows me her incisions and where she is so sore on her stomach. A little pang of jealousy hits over her flat stomach and smaller size that I once resembled. I laughed at that and quickly told myself “I’m pregnant! She just had surgery! Why are you even thinking about that?”. Then, I pushed those initial pangs of jealousy aside too.

Apparently those thoughts and feelings continued to fester because they built up from me being able to laugh them off to me crying, big-lose-your-breath sobs crying, just now as I began to write this post. Writing it out provides solace because it helps me expunge it all from my head. I knew I had to write it, as hard as it would be to write…and post that picture. I already feel a bit lighter in spirit again. It also helps knowing I have to get over it to be strong for this gorgeous face…

…so she can stop worrying about why her mommy is crying. I guess we all have these moments. Much love to you all for listening, despite the downer of a post on a Friday.

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Remember my workout last night that felt so wonderful and had me feeling that exercise high I crave? I guess I should be thankful to end on a good note. That’s right. It turns out that 2 mile walk on the treadmill will have to suffice as my last workout of this pregnancy. I almost want to shed a tear. Or many. I will miss all of you my dear, sweet loves….

During the workout I felt great. For the most part. I did have some discomfort but I chalked it up to baby B situating himself somewhere uncomfortable. He likes to do that. I continued on without too much pain. After getting home, I cooked dinner and helped with a few other things around the house…and progressively began to feel a lot of pain. A lot a lot. It did not stop for a couple of hours and almost sent me in to the hospital. Fortunately, I managed to sleep and laying down helped it stop. Unfortunately, all of that adds up to I can no longer workout.

At my last appointment I was specifically told to rest more and that I could continue workouts as long as they had absolutely no negative effects. If anything of concern showed up, they had to stop. Go figure that my next workout after that appointment would end up being enough to sideline me. I won’t lie. It’s a hard pill to swallow. My emotional side keeps popping up, but I have logical reinforcements to keep things in perspective. I have to have perspective right now.

My thoughts have forged a battle in my head. It goes a little something like this:

With that, I will close out on a purely positive note, no pun intended.

Pos ting this Operation Beautiful note was my first act in my “Month of Others” campaign for December. Simple, but helpful. At least it brought a much needed smile to my face. 🙂

• What would be the hardest part of not being able to work out for you?
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