I’m Angry
Apparently I have hit a roller coaster of emotions. You all may remember how down on myself I felt on Friday. Then, Saturday I went through the day on a high – hopping from fabulous hospital tours to Christmas parades to a surprise party. Yesterday morning I continued to have that natural smile, joy, and ease while at church. Then, the afternoon came. Things went downhill. The afternoon turned into evening and culminated in a downpour of tears. When Peter asked what bothered me, the following came out - “I’m angry!!!”
I’m angry that I am consistently in pain.
I’m angry that being upset and crying last night caused a contraction.
I’m angry that I can’t even stretch my legs out at night to help get comfortable without ending up with a charlie horse in my calf.
I’m angry that I never feel rested because I can’t sleep at night.
I’m angry that I can no longer workout.
I’m angry that I feel I have no “me time” anymore because of it.
I’m angry that Peter has been so busy for weeks on end helping fix his friend’s car and work on his brother’s house that he’s never there to give me a break when I really need it. Sure, he’s there for the planned activities, but those don’t give me rest.
I’m angry we had planned a movie night with Eclipse and some down time and a Blizzard I was craving after not having one in 2 months, but it didn’t happen because of a problem with the car he is working on.
I’m angry that I’m angry about that because I completely understand his need to help them out. After all, they have done a lot for us (especially his brother) in the past.
I’m angry that it adds guilt on top of my anger, exhaustion, frustration.
I’m angry that I wonder if I emotionally ate because after just tossing together two eggs and toast for dinner, I grabbed a serving of ice cream from the freezer, even though I knew it wouldn’t satisfy and wasn’t what I was craving.
I’m angry that I questioned my eating habits because it was literally one serving and not a big deal.
I’m angry that I don’t have much more time left with just Makenzie as my child, but I don’t have energy to play with her like I want to.
I’m angry that I have more days where I have to struggle with my body image and feeling beautiful after that not being a problem I regularly faced over the past couple of years.
I’m angry that I have needed to vent more often here on the blog. It gets old, I know. I don’t like reading blogs that bemoan things all the time and certainly don’t want to become one myself.
I’m angry that I still have to meal plan for the week and head to the grocery store today, when I really just want to stay in bed.
I’m angry that I thought I slept in until 9:30 and forced myself out of bed because of needing to get things done. Plus, Peter had called in sick to finish the car but watched M for me to get extra rest and I didn’t want to keep him too long. Apparently, our alarm clock time got messed up and it was actually only 8:30. I could have stayed in bed a bit longer like I wanted to.
I’m angry because today I don’t even really feel that angry. I just feel empty and that scares me more. Perhaps I’m too tired to feel angry for more than 12 hours? But enough about being angry…life awaits.
Question of the day – do you ever feel angry for feeling angry? What types of things make you angry?
Don't forget to bid on my peppermint mocha fudge over at Tina from Carrots N Cake's bake sale!!! Pretty please!
