During the worst of my binge eating, I had entered into a vicious cycle of binge, guilt, punishment by restriction, starve and binge again. Even before the binging began, I had picked up pretty brutal treatment of my body in putting too much stress on it during workouts and not allowing for rest. I claimed to use it as a stress relief, but in reality I felt poorly about myself and took out those frustrations by spending hours in the gym. Even now, those days where I feel like I’m not being a good enough mom, wife, friend, blogger, or supporter of my family, I start to unravel at the seams and turn to fat talk and putting myself down. Stress does that to me as well.

[source]

None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Sometimes, we let those mistakes control us and hinder caring for ourselves. My senior year of college I got involved in some pretty bad behavior. I lost respect for myself. Even though I knew in my heart my actions weren’t fruitful, I continued down that path because I didn’t believe I could change and never forgave myself. At the very start of Peter & I dating, I almost sabotaged everything by believing he couldn’t love me for my past. My lack of forgiveness almost put up my old walls and boundaries to shut him out. When I shared my past, I took a defensive stance. I likely even said "now you know this about me, so go ahead and leave me”. His response took the tune of “God forgives you for all of that. I don’t care about any of it. It’s not you now and you should forgive yourself too.”

[source]

I don’t know why I had never thought of forgiving myself before then. Perhaps because I had spent so much energy trying to forgive and get past what others had done to me? Who knows. Yet, having the power to tell myself that “it’s okay…it’s in the past…you can move forward and change for the better now” changed everything. We have no reason to punish ourselves. Consequences for our actions and decisions will always exist, but we are not the ones to determine them and harm ourselves. If something screws up one day, don’t feel the need to drown yourself in negativity. Recognize what could change and work to do your best to improve the situation from that moment forward, without punishment. Dwelling on the past and our weaknesses does absolutely nothing for our lives. If I had never forgiven myself, I doubt my life would have near as much hope and happiness as it does now.

Is there anything you have trouble letting go? Are there any ways you try to “punish” yourself? Restricting food, avoiding relationships, and constantly feeding myself a poor self image are the three I have used and still feel drawn to using when I don’t allow myself to move past disappointing moments.

Hey hey hey!!! Yes, I’m in a seriously good mood. Everyone should feel so annoyingly peppy at times. I have had a great day so far. I kicked it off with some good progress in my Month 5 Body After Baby check-in (post coming early in the week) and then went on to smash my 10K race goal. Seriously. Smashed it. Ready for the details? I know I am!

I got myself all prepped and ready with a bright and early 5:30 am wake-up call. Downed my standard fuel of a whole wheat english muffin with a smear of peanut butter and half a larabar on the side. Then got all decked out in one of my favorite running t-shirts, the awesome New Balance sneakers we received at Fitbloggin, and a brand spankin’ new Bondi Band.

I have been testing out the new RevLite 890 New Balance sneakers I received since getting home from Fitbloggin’ and really, really like them. I’m big on cushion. They feel so comfortable and truly are so light! The Bondi Band was an impromptu purchase earlier this week when I found a deal after a run with annoying face/hair sweat. It was a good impromptu purchase. Those things rock! Almost as much as the saying “will run for margaritas” rocks. You betcha I will!

I had some time to kill before the race so I checked out my race bag swag…

…which included another race tee to add to my hopefully soon-to-be collection and some coupons. I’ll take the $10 Sports Authority card, but I have no need for the Krispy Kreme lemon donut coupon. You’ll see.

Finally, the time came to say goodbye to my cheering crew and head to the starting line.

Sans Garmin. I ended up deciding to just run the race without it and trust my body to guide me. I would have the chance to check my pace at each mile marker, which was enough for me.

I got going and hit my stride relatively quickly. Mile 1 appeared in the blink of an eye. I heard 8:20 shouted to me as I passed by, even though I felt like I was conserving myself. Then, mile 2 passed just as fast, thanks to coming across my fans along the way. I could easily spot them thanks to a particular cutie and some awesome signs (which you’ll get a chance to win a creation of your own soon my friends)…

Hello, family!!! I’m still feeling grand!

I kept going strong and holding a challenging, yet not exhausting, pace. The miles continued to go on by. I hit the 4 mile marker and heard a time of 32:18 shouted at me. Ummm? That can’t be right. Can it? No way. So, I just kept trucking along, despite one particularly nasty hill around mile 4.5. This race made me very thankful for the hilly routes I have around my house. They certainly prepared me better for this course. Note to self: remember this when cursing the mile long hill of death on runs in the future.

After the hill, I could feel myself slowing the tiniest bit but still felt alright. Getting the chance to see my cheering crew again kept a smile on my face.

Not too long after, I got to what I knew was the final stretch of road (thankfully flat!). I picked it up a little again. Then, I saw it. The finish line! I pushed forward. I thought happy thoughts. I made unattractive faces.

And I achieved my main goal of finishing strong! My time??? A whopping 9:16 better than my goal time! I trusted my body and my body said “Boo yah! I’m stronger than you think, woman!”.

Then, my body said “Feed Me!” and I happily obliged while stretching out my legs.

They only had apples, oranges (blech!), and Krispy Kreme donuts for food. I devoured an apple and then deemed the Krispy Kreme unworthy. If I’m going to have a donut, I want a real donut. A Dutch Monkey donut. So – we made a pit stop.

Peter & I picked up a Coffee Cream Bismark and a Lemon Meringue Pie donut to share. I paired my two halves with a chocolate protein shake (chocolate protein powder, chocolate almond milk, and iced coffee) to create the post-race meal of champions.

Yes. Meal of champions, because I don’t want to be a champion if I can’t have donuts on occasion.

So, yea. I’m in a really good mood. It only gets better with date night tonight! 🙂

• What is the last way your body told you “Boo-yah! I’m stronger than you think!”?