This post is a pretty serious one. If you’re looking for more light hearted reading this fine Monday morning, check these out from the weekend:

• Cliché – my cliché Friday afternoon
• And I Lived To Tell About It – ten miles on the treadmill
• Argh, Matey! – attended a cute birthday party and the FFF Features of the week
• An Ordinary, But Still Memorable, Day – recap of yesterday
• Self-Love Reflection of the Week: The Strength Within

I like to think of myself as a positive person. I trust that God loves, cares, and provides for me. I have faith in His plans. I believe in hope and generally approach life with an optimistic point of view. With the exception of one thing – my irrational fear.

With Peter out of town this weekend, I found myself engulfed by my irrational fear, just as I do anytime he goes away. Anytime he runs late without letting me know. Anytime I get behind the wheel of my car.  Anytime I see some changes in a mole or freckle.

I spent Friday night bawling like a baby at times on the couch while watching NBC’s special on 9/11. The testimonies, especially those of women who had young children and suddenly faced single motherhood, really hit me hard. I get this overwhelming pit in my gut that I will face something similar one day. 

I don’t know why I’m such a pessimist in this way, but for as long as I can remember I have had this almost instinctual feeling that I will one day lose someone very near and dear to me unexpectedly from a bad accident or incurable illness – Peter or one of my kids – or that I will experience one myself and have to leave them behind.

I don’t quite know where this irrational fear comes from, but I can never seem to fully shake it. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s always buried somewhere inside of me to come out when I’m vulnerable. Like when I don’t have Peter around or when hearing other women’s testimonies of such things as 9/11. I just sit there and think “could I ever survive something like that?”.

I know those thoughts and worries are nothing compared to the heartache others go through in reality (not just inside their nightmares), but I needed to share the emotional mess I felt this weekend. I guess I know how much pain life can bring as I felt it in previous parts of my life. I almost wonder how things can be so good now….and how it could possibly last forever. 

I don’t quite know where I’m going with this post. I know it’s pretty depressing and I apologize for laying it on all of you. But if there is one thing I do, it is write what is on my heart and my irrational fear weighed on me a lot this weekend.

And because optimism is what I try to do, I can at least see some good coming from this deep gut feeling I can’t seem to shake – It makes me pray for my family’s safety and health every day. It makes me cherish the time I have with them because we truly never know how long it may last. And it helps me know that I don’t have control over everything, only He does…and even when we don’t understand, His control is for the greater good.

• Do you have any irrational fears or worries?
• How do you vent the things you feel you HAVE to get out of your thoughts? Obviously I blog mine out. I promise to be back with my more upbeat attitude later!

This is what greeted me when my eyes opened this morning.

That excited me more than you can know. I haven’t slept in past 6:30 am longer than I can remember. And boy, did I need some sleep last night! Peter has been out of town this weekend to serve on a church retreat. Whenever he is out of town I just cannot sleep. It takes forever to fall asleep and then I toss and turn all night long. After a few nights like that, my body finally gave in to sleep and crashed hard for 10 hours last night. It was just what I needed.

After waking up, I got myself and the kids ready for church. I really looked forward to today’s service because it was a special ten year remembrance service for 9/11.

I didn’t know anyone personally involved in the attacks on 9/11, but as I’m sure many of us can relate, the memories from that day impacted me forever. It sickens me to think that people can have such hatred in their hearts…but also strengthens me in knowing others can have such bravery in the face of trials.

I won’t go into my story on where I was because there are plenty out there, but I do want to encourage us all to please take some moments of prayer and remembrance for those impacted by 9/11 today. It’s so strange how ordinary this day can feel ten years later…but that it still carries such importance too. Never forget.

I had plans to hit the gym after church for my planned short recovery run that I usually do on Sundays. I even drove all the way there and sat in the parking lot for a minute before turning around and heading home.

The thought of getting on a treadmill after doing ten miles on one yesterday just did not sound appealing. Even the thought of free childcare and a break from the kids after a loooonnnng, whiiiinnnny, tiiiirrrriiing weekend didn’t lure me in.

I headed home with my gym bag still packed, knowing it was the right decision. I have had plenty of activity lately so missing one workout won’t hurt in the slightest. If anything, it helped my mental health! Not only because I didn’t have to spend more time on a treadmill, but also because it would keep me from feeling rushed and stressed later in the afternoon.

I had to get Makenzie to my friend’s house just a couple short hours later for some special fun that she was oh so excited for – to see a certain someone she loves just a smidge.

My friend got a deal for a four pack of tickets to the Elmo Superheroes show and had an extra one since it was just her, her husband, and their daughter (Makenzie’s self-proclaimed best friend). When they offered to take Makenzie, I knew she would love it. I’m kind of sad that I don’t get to be there for her first experience like this, but we’ll have our time soon enough. Plus, after an exhausting weekend, the break to have just B for the afternoon felt nice. I hope she is having a ball!

Well, Peter should be home shortly, so it’s time for me to sign off. I will see you all in the morning! Have a great rest of the afternoon and evening…

• What time is “sleeping in” for you?
• Did you do anything in remembrance of 9/11 today?