Self-Love Reflection: The Strength Within
Hi, everyone! My name is Kelly and I blog over at Laughter, Strength, and Food. In my blog, I try to focus on fitness, food, shopping, family, friends, etc., you know…the good stuff! I absolutely loved Tina’s “Self-Love” series and am honored to do a guest post for her about when I needed the most strength and how I found that strength. Thanks, Tina!
My story is a heavy one, and it is one that I have wanted to share on my blog for a long time, but haven’t yet. I am not sure why. I guess I just wasn’t ready before, but as soon as I knew I was going to be writing a post about strength, I knew it was time to share my story.
My story starts in late 2006 when I met a wonderful guy. He was just like me and we got along wonderfully. We had tons of mutual friends and it was actually amazing that we had not met previously because of our similar circle of friends. We just chalked it up to fate that we met when we did. We figured it was just ‘our time.’ While I will spare you tons of the details, I’ll just give you the rundown that we moved in together shortly after we met, got engaged a year later, and got married eight months after that.
While we were planning our wedding, we found out that he was being deployed to Iraq. Thankfully, we made it through our year apart and he and his entire unit came home safely. It was more than we could have asked for. However, soon after he came home, things started to fall apart.
We were fighting more than ever but we just tried to work through it, knowing that a deployment can do strange things to a relationship. I tried moving home with my parents. We tried ‘starting over’ and going back to the time when we first met. We tried counseling. I really can’t explain it, nor do I have enough space in this post to run down every detail of why we felt a disconnect between us and why our relationship finally seemed to be past the point of repair. All I know is that one day, we made that decision. We decided that we disagreed on many levels that were deeper than the superficial arguments we were having. We decided that it was time to end it. We decided to get a divorce.
Was I happy? Of course not. Was I questioning our decision every step of the way? Absolutely. Does my mind still wander and think about what could have been even though we have both moved on and are happier than ever? Definitely.
That part of my life brings me to my moment of strength. For those few months after our separation, I was fine. We had both met new people that were much better for us than we were for each other. I tried not to dwell on it. Then, I’m not sure what happened at the end of last year. Looking back, I now think that I never went through a 'grieving’ process for the end of my relationship. Everything happened so quickly and we both told ourselves that we were okay and the decision was right. I truly believe the decision was right, but I don’t think I ever allowed myself to deal with it and work through my emotions.
I have a saying that I’m famous for. “I don’t want to talk about it.” To me, it’s easier just to push things away than to deal with them. True to myself, that’s what I did. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out well for me. I was disappointed in myself that I didn’t try harder. I was embarrassed that I was in my twenties and already divorced. I found it impossible to forgive myself. I felt all of these things but just swept them under the rug, hoping those thoughts would go away.
I cried every morning and night during my commute to and from work. I started lashing out at Lee (my current and most wonderful bf) because I was sad and tired all the time. I had crazy thoughts that I wanted to end everything because I was so exhausted from being sad. I was a pretty miserable person to be around.
One night, my parents and Lee had a very serious "intervention" talk with me during which I yelled, screamed, and cried. A lot. You know what? The next day, I felt like it was a new beginning for me. I actually wasn’t sad. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t thinking that my life wasn’t worth anything. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was then that I decided that I was starting anew and it really was time to move on (even though I had fooled myself into thinking I had months before).
I stopped checking Facebook. I stopped looking at old pictures. I stopped wondering ‘what could have been.’ I put my energy into my job, into teaching Jazzercise, into my relationship with Lee, and I started my blog. I surrounded myself with people that brought positive energy into my life. All of those changes made all the difference in the world. I finally allowed myself to forgive myself and use my experience as a stepping stone to a better life.
I have never needed strength like I did during that time of my life. I have a quote posted on my blog that reads, “You never know how strong you are…until being strong is the only choice you have.” I have never believed in a quote more than I believe in that one. There are always going to be times when the days seem dark and it feels like there is no hope. These are the times that it is so important for us to realize how strong we really are and how much strength we really have deep down inside of us.
- When have you felt your strongest?
