Self Love Reflection: Broken Engagement
This week’s Self-Love Reflections post comes from Emily. Join her as she shares her growth through a tough relationship decision and having to do what was right for her.
Hi FFF readers! I'm Emily and I (semi) blog over at Healthy Creature. I've been reading Tina's blog for almost a year now and I'm so thrilled to share my story today.
I dated the same guy from my sophomore year in high school through my junior year in college. We were in youth group together, hung out a bunch of times, and then all of a sudden we just clicked and started dating. He was so good to me, took care of me, loved me, and immediately we were headed down the dating-then-marriage road. I knew early on I wanted to marry him, and never questioned it. I saw my life ahead of me...having kids and supporting him in his youth ministry and it made me happy.
Since I was a Spanish major, part of my plan was to study in Spain. I had visited in high school with my Spanish teacher, and my mom said that the second I hopped off the bus, my first words were, "I'm going back, mom." Return I did. I almost didn't because I just couldn't bear to be separated from my man, and the first week was the hardest. I was hit with awful homesickness...mostly for him, but also for my family, school, friends etc (naturally). He ended up making plans to come and visit during spring break in March. I was ecstatic and that helped me make it through the next few months.
While I had my "light at the end of the tunnel," I started to grow in ways I never expected as I adapted to living in a new country. I loved, loved living in Sevilla, and because I had so much distance between me and my life back home, I started to think about what I wanted and who I was. I knew he was visiting in a short bit, and hoped to talk to him about how I was feeling and that maybe I didn't want to follow the exact path we had laid out for our relationship anymore.
March finally came, he and my sister visited and I was so happy. The second day he was there, he insisted we take a carriage ride through the city. When we entered at the Parque Maria Luisa, he turned to me, told me he would love me forever and asked if I would marry him. It was truly a perfect proposal, a beautiful ring, and perfect moment.
Why did I feel like I wanted to throw up? The truth is that when he proposed, my first thought was "Oh no." I had been thinking a lot, but had not completely worked everything out. He was going along with our original "plan" but in my gut, I knew it wasn't right for me anymore. I did say yes in the moment, and hoped it was just a really, really early onset of cold feet. He went home, and I spent the next few weeks caught up in the excitement of imminent wedding planning. A short while later, I re-read some of my journal entries I had written at the beginning of my stay and realized I did not have cold feet. I was just not ready to get married.
Shortly after arriving home, I told him I wasn't ready, and that was probably the worst night of my life. I felt horrible. He felt horrible and rejected. I started to question my decision, but as time passed, it became more clear that I was not ready for marriage at this stage in my life. It was not so clear to him, and I spent a good nine months experiencing a lot of anger and guilt from him. It was certainly warranted, I know that. But my decision was that I was not ready to be married and just wanted to wait, not that I didn't ever want to marry him, which I had made clear. Eventually, he came to the conclusion he might never be married, started seeing someone the next summer, and married her shortly after.
That was about 6 years ago. If I hadn't done what I did, I would not have acknowledged who I am and what I wanted out of life. I'm sure I would have been happy to an extent if everything had progressed as planned, but I realized that I also needed to find my own passions and stay true to the core of who I am.
I think about my life now and how it could be, and I know I made the right decision. Not once have I regretted or wished I hadn't broken off my engagement. I spent my teenage years and early twenties in his shadow and the self discovery I gained from the whole experience is priceless. I also believe that my decision was the stepping stone for the many changes and experiences I have had since then. It's certainly hard at times watching my friends get married, have children and see their lives evolve in a way mine won't until I enter that stage in my life.
However, one challenge I have set for myself comes from a Jim Elliot quote: Wherever you are, be all there. While I don't always do this perfectly, this reminder keeps me grounded and focused on where I am in my life and reminds me to enjoy this season and not worry about the past or anticipate the future to the point where I miss out on today.
- Have you encountered a defining moment/decision in your life similar to Emily’s? What was it?
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