I received the following comment/question today on my last post about HIIT and more intense training and I feel it deserved to be replied to as part of a post, since I know others may wonder about this part of my life right now as well. Jennifer asked:

How do you keep yourself feeling positive about your body image? I'm in a similar position to yours; I had to gain 20 pounds and cut way back on my running in order to conceive my first baby; now I've put the weight back on and am cutting back the exercise in order to get ready to conceive my second baby.
Most of the time, I am good at positive self-talk in order to keep my mind on the right goal, but sometimes I just look in the mirror and want to cry, or read about long runs and want to cry.
Do you have any sage advice for getting through this TTC time?

First of all, I want to THANK YOU for posting this question. It showed me that I am not alone. Something that has been very hard for me is feeling like no one understands this process. I know many women struggle with their appearance, but they may not understand the feeling of not being able to do anything about it. Or sometimes I feel like many don't understand why I had to put on weight and cut back workouts to be able to try to conceive. I've had people ask me with confused looks "Oh really...your doctors wanted you to GAIN weight??? But that doesn't make sense!". And then I feel judged like they don't believe me or think I use it as an excuse for putting on this much weight after my show.

image from cdn.sheknows.com

Now, to answer the question. I am going to be honest and say that I struggle with this almost daily for at least a few moments. Some days are better than others. Today was a tougher one. I was missing more intense workouts and when I went to try on some capris and things that are back in my closet after my shower today...nothing fit comfortably. I immediately felt fat and wanted to cry. I thought "please God just let me be pregnant so I don't have to worry about this anymore". And then felt sick to have prayed that, because being uncomfortable with my body is NOT why I want a pregnancy. Growing my family is.

Mi Familia

And that is how I combat those negative feelings. They definitely still pop up, but when I consider WHY I am going through this, the reality of it helps overcome the struggles. Also, looking at this beautiful face...

....helps remind me that the first time I went through all of this (yes I got heavier to conceive that time as well) it passed. And I was able to spring back and get in shape and enjoy it for a time. I also try to really focus on how I am still honoring my health. I do workout; and even if its at a lower intensity, it is what is good for my body. I still eat healthy and a way I enjoy. I have a healthy relationship with food...something that others struggle with. So I should be happy about that.

Basically, I try to look at the positives in all of the negatives. And I pray. Oh, you better believe I pray. Another tip, I actually came up with today, is to go shopping. Or at least be sure you have clothes that fit your body well right now and you can feel confident in. I have noticed that not fitting well in some of my clothes can be a big trigger in sparking negative moments. So, I will be shopping soon. Unless two pink lines show up in the next week. Or maybe I should go ahead and go and see if it triggers the "Bathroom Break Law". You know...when you take a bathroom break at a restaurant and it seems your food is always there when you get back? Maybe if I go shopping, it will work for me. 😉 Okay, sorry for the tangent.

I know my input on this isn't necessarily anything life altering, but it has helped me. And you know what? It is OKAY to have off days. And that is for all of us. It is okay to feel upset, angry, hurt, frustrated, sad, etc. God gave us those emotions and they are real. The key is to find ways to help turn them around. And reaching out to a companion going through the same thing, is helpful too. So thank you for helping me today. I hope I returned the favor at least a little bit. 🙂

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I purged myself today. No, not the hide myself in the bathroom over the toilet purging. The good kind of purging. The kind where you just let all frustration, heartache, stress, worry, and sadness rush out of every pore and tearduct.

This morning started off with yet more confirmation of the news I was met with on Saturday, the news that was opposite of what I was expecting. Since I didn't clue you in then, I'll clue you in now.

negative

Now, I want to be clear that I know this is only the 4th month we have been trying to conceive and that it can take time. I also want to be clear that I know 100% that it will happen when the time is right and God has a plan for us. And the past few months I have been bummed when I found out I wasn't pregnant but got over it in about 30 minutes. This time has been harder. So I had to and have to still purge out some of these emotions. Bear with me and my word vomit, k?

This time has been harder for a number of reasons. The biggest one is probably that I was certain that this month was it. I felt pregnant. I had the nausea that felt exactly like it did with Makenzie. I had a strong gut feeling . And the sore tatas. Although maybe that was just from switching to Group Power classes and the insane reps and pulses used in the chest track. 😉 Anyways, there were other things too. My BBT chart had post ovulation temperatures that continued to climb and climb, instead of remaining steady like other recent cycles. BBT stands for basal body temperature. Tracking it is a very accurate way to know more about your cycles, ovulation, upcoming period, fertility, etc - for the record, post on all that coming sometime in the future. And rising temperatures after ovulation can indicate pregnancy. Just like my previous cycle chart when I got pregnant with M. So as you can see, a lot of the frustration comes from the expectations not matching the reality this time around and having to suddenly adjust to the notion that I am likely not, in fact, pregnant this month. I told you I was feeling at least 95% positive.

My Cycle Chart from Fertilityfriend.com

Even more frustration stems from fear. Fear that doing that dagnabit figure competition screwed up my innards more than I realized. There was some concern about it, which is why I put on the weight I have and have cut back a lot on my workout intensity. Why I am living and trying to be positive with having to be 10-15 lbs above my comfortable, happy weight. My body needs the extra padding to hold onto a baby. I had to do the same thing last time and it worked in 2 months. But I get scared that it won't this time. 4 months is not forever. I know that. But what if I did more damage than I realized with the diet restrictions and the super intense workouts? What if 4 months turns into 6 months turns into a year turns into more time? It hurts to think of it. Which leads me also to BEG anyone out there who spends excessive energy in workouts (I would say more than 6 hours a week) and restricting food (less than 1500/day imo) to rethink their practices!! Please please please! But that is a post for another time...

So, the Negative Nancy side of me is coming out. And I don't like it. So today was about purging. Spewing out emotions on the blog. Kicking and punching and sweating out some serious frustration this morning in a kickbox class, which ironically was a super intense workout in a probable passive aggressive way of retaliation to my efforts so far not working. Taking a scalding hot shower and just letting the tears flow. Praying HARD to God with desperate cries to please let it be soon because the fear is sending me to a negative place that I don't know if I am ready to battle again.

Now, I will suck it up. Because I have to go be a housewife and get things in order around here after a hectic not caring morning. And I have to prepare for the marathon tutoring sessions that await me tonight. And I have to be a mom. Insert reality check here. I am already blessed to be a mom, to the most precious child alive.

My Makenzie

Thank God for her. Thank God for his grace. Thank God for the hope he provides. Thank God. No matter what, he is always worthy of my praise and will always love me, even when I purge and spew negativity. 🙂