The Friend Break-Up
Posted: March 22, 2011 at 6:59 pmI started the day off in a bit of a funk, but things quickly began looking up. Little by little, the different enjoyable parts of my day brightened my mood. Love when that happens!
I started the day with a full body weights workout.
| Deadlift | Legs | 3x15 |
| Dumbbell 1 Arm Row | Back | 3x10 |
| Wall Squat | Legs | 3x 45-60 sec |
| Cable Crossovers | Chest | 3x12 |
| Front Dumbbell Raise | Shoulders | 3x10 |
| Dumbbell Concentration Curl | Biceps | 3x15 |
Splitting up my weights and runs (so I can run outdoors) really works well for me during the week. I was able to finish the above workout quickly, then come home for a tasty egg breakfast.
Two dippy eggs – 1 atop a slice of toast spread with a Blue Cheese Laughing Cow wedge and 1 atop a slice of toast slathered with TJs Cranberry Apple Butter. Along with the obligatory Pink Lady apple. Can you tell I got hungry before picture time?
After filling my belly, I had plenty of time to play with the kids and take them on a slow, leisurely 15 minute walk around the neighborhood. Then, I kept things fairly low-key the remainder of the day. I enjoyed an easy, tasty meal of leftovers for lunch.
A polenta enchilada bake that included cornmeal, pinto beans, olives, corn, salsa, and cilantro. With the tastiest mango I’ve had outside of the Dominican on the side.
Things really started turning around during the naptime I got out of the kids. I managed to relax with my first iced coffee of the season while Google chatting with Peter. I love iced coffee. It tastes better for some reason.
I love having weather that calls for iced coffee again. We reached 80 here today! That made for a hot run this afternoon.
A hot, sweaty, successful run. PDR of 4 miles!!! It must have been my cute, new 4all by jofit skirt. 😉
- Mile 1 = 9:32
- Mile 2 = 9:23
- Mile 3 = 9:17
- Mile 4 = 9:17
- Average = 9:22
I honestly could have kept going, but want to play it safe with my mileage increases. I also had some things to sweat out again. Last night I reached a peak with a friend issue. I really debated writing about it here, but I have to.
I have a friend who only ever contacts me when she needs something. In fact, my mother’s diagnosis happened about a month ago. I immediately texted her (because she was at work) when I found out about my mom’s MS. Then, I called frequently in the week following. Not once did she return a text, call, email, or anything to show any sympathy or support with my mom. In a month. In fact, she called last night to be sure I could still make it to a party she is having this weekend. I told her I would be visiting my mom instead, to which she promptly started giving me defensive excuses on why she hasn’t contacted me about the news.
I have battled with feelings of this friendship not satisfying me for awhile. I feel like there is only give on my part and take on hers. Our conversations are always about either her life or her body/weight. <--Not exaggerating. I haven’t looked forward to the times we see each other in a long time because it always leaves me with such a negative energy.
I want to “break-up” with this friend. I don’t feel anything badly about her. I simply no longer feel the need to remain in any sort of relationship that does not fulfill me. I debated whether or not to talk to her about it, but I know it would lead to her getting defensive and turning it into a fight. I would be there for her if needed, but I honestly am at a point where I want to minimize our interactions and move on. We already don’t talk or see each other often. I would always be there in a time of need, but I also know I can no longer put myself in a place of such hurt because of a supposed “friendship”. How’s that for some serious thought on a Tuesday night? Just what you were looking for, no? 😉
Questions of the Day:
- Have you ever faced a similar situation with a friend? What did you do?
- Which do you prefer – hot or iced coffee?
Tags: breakfast, lunch, relationships, running
So sorry about the friend issue! I’ve had many friend breakups, but I’ve kind of just “let them go” naturally. Eventually, if that person only uses you when they want something, they’ll stop calling. It’s sad, especially because I am a caring person who is actually interested in my friends’ lives. I hope everything turns out okay!!
I have been in that situation before. Last year, I realized that a friend of mine did nothing but bring me down. It was constant negative energy that I just didn’t need in my life. She was always complaining and rarely wanted to talk about anyone but herself. It’s best to send an email or talk to her about what you are feeling. It’s important to respect her enough to tell her the truth. If she starts getting defensive or tries to fight, just exit the conversation. You can’t control other people’s behavior, just your own.
With friends like that, I find they easily sort of just disappear off the radar. Friends are supposed to increase your energy (most of the time), not decrease/negate it.
Good job on the run. I can’t wait to be up and running again… it still hurts to walk.
Good for you for making such a tough decision, Tina! You deserve to have people in your life who are there for you through good and bad and who want to help you when they can. I’m so sorry about your mother and your friend’s lack of response.
I’ve definitely faced similar situations with a couple friends. It had just gotten to the point where I would leave every interaction feeling exhausted, defeated, or bad about myself, and eventually I realized that those weren’t the kinds of people I wanted to surround myself with. I never had any official “break up” conversations, but I did let the friendships just die out. Once I stopped calling, they stopped calling. And honestly, that’s okay with me.
The friend issue is a tough one. I have some I’ve just let fade away, for varying reasons. My sympathies — it’s never easy, regardless of the reason why.
Hot coffee. Preferably with heavy cream! Okay, I don’t get that second part much… LOL (but it’s so good!)
Look at you go with the running. Yes, definitely increase slowly. I have heard not to increase more than 10% over a previous run actually. It was 80 here yesterday and I thought I was going to melt into the pavement! LOL
Yep, I think you and I have discussed this very same/similar friendship issue when I blogged about it once before. It seems like it should be so straight forward, but it isn’t always so.
I remember that 10% rule so that’s what I’ve been doing. My longest run before this was 3.6. Feels good to have the small increases.
GREAT run Tina and ohh la, la..cute skirt! It’s too cold here for me to wear outside…freezing rain anyone?!?! 🙁
I broke up with a college friend. She was a ball of negative energy and it was weighing me down. She had some issues that she needed to work out, and I was of no help. I was NO professional. With that being said, I went about it wrong. I ignored her calls etc, but in the end, she got the hint and stopped contacting me. I was young, but if I could do it all over again I probably would. IF she contacted me today, I would welcome her w/ open arms. I do miss her. Does that sound weird??
Hot coffee, because I slurp down the cold stuff way too fast!!! 🙂
I’ve never had the same exact situation but I *have* broken up with a friend and our mutual friends were shocked. I explained it as similar to breaking up with a bad boyfriend. It’s especially difficult when you have a lot of friends in common and may run into the person in social settings. Awkwarddd…
Good luck! It’s worth it to have the toxic person out of your life.
I broke up with a friend once. She has what we call “no filter” blurts out whatever she wants all the time. I was pretty low key about all the stuff she said until one day she basically implied to the guy i was dating at the time that I would cheat on him if I had the chance. Of course, I was MAD! She said she knew she didn’t mean it but it “just came out”. She profusely apologized and I tried hanging out with her again but that’s all i could think about. She was not a good friend. I ignored a couple of her phone calls and then texted her, I’m sorry I just can’t be friends with someone who has treated me the way you did. Maybe I should have called her…but I didn’t want to deal with any more negativity. Your friend can’t be a good friend either if she’s not acknowledging your mother at all and only wants to talk about herself. It’s hard, but sometimes you do need to end friendships.
I definitely wanted to comment on this. While I think it is probably best for you to let this friend go, I wouldn’t do it without a fight. Sit her down (if you can get a hold of her) and talk to her about how you feel. She may have things going on in her life that have prevented her from being a good friend– yet she isn’t ready to talk to you about it (then again, maybe not). All I’m saying is, talk to her before you close the door. The worst thing that will happen is that you stop being her friend, which is what you’re planning on doing anyways right? So, you’ve got nothing to lose!
I know that you know a lot more about the situation than I do, but I just wanted to offer the suggestion!
I do want to offer some closure. I will have to figure something out. I doubt there is anything like what you mentioned going on but I still want to be honorable in my actions.
sorry you’re going through that with a friend… I’ve been in a similar place once, and I sat her down and talked about it in as non-confrontational a way as I could, and she still got defensive and tried to negate my points. It was a hard “break up” at first, but I soon realized I wasn’t missing very much, as it was take take take. 🙁
fun running skirt – I have many and I LOVE them!! 🙂 you’re being smart increasing slowly – I feel that way a lot, getting back into running longer distances after injury recovery – and it is SO hard to stop sometimes!! 🙂
Sorry you have to deal with that Tina. I have that relationship with my family. It is horrible. I have finally gotten to the point where I am done putting myself in a painful situation. I am the only one that hurts (well, now my kids do), so I have pretty much called it quits. I am not going to fight for something when I am the only one willing to give. I take them for who they are and leave it at that. Relationships for me are…you get from me what you give. I have spent far too much time getting stomped on because I am never say no. I learned my lesson a long time ago and really, I deserve better than that. I hope you find some peace with this.
Oh and I like both hot and cold coffee…what’s not to love? Have a good night Tina.
Way too many times. And I think I’ve been the recipient a few, too. The only time I was direct and didn’t just let things fade, I had just asked what I thought was one of my closest friends to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I didn’t hear from her for weeks, and then only to get an email saying that she couldn’t be around me when I was so happy with my life. (She had broken up with her long-term boyfriend a couple months earlier.) And, I obviously had NOT been rubbing anything in her face, as she avoided me from the day I got engaged. When she reappeared a couple months later, I told her that she had made it abundantly clear that she did not want a friendship. That’s the only time. Sorry for the novel!
YES. I have had a very similar experience. When the give/take becomes give (you) and take (them) – it’s beyond time to break up. If there is no longer any effort or caring on their part, it’s time. If you don’t miss her as a friend if she weren’t there (hypothetically speaking) then it’s time. And with this type of friend, I bet it’s one of those that if you just stopped contacting her, the friendship would break up naturally. Sad, isn’t it? I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s always so hard and sad when you realize it. Good luck.
As for coffee…I LOVE iced coffee. In fact, after morning workouts, no matter if it’s 5 degrees or 80, I drink iced coffee before my shower! Just tastes so good and gives me a little boost before breakfast. Where I have more coffee 😉
I think every girl has friend(s) like that. I had a friend who became a toxic part of my life, available to rant for hours about her life/problems but after a while I realized she really didn’t care about anyone but herself. I tried to talk about it and she promised to be better, but nothing really changed. At the end of the day I just stopped all contact with her.
I think you should tell her what’s on your mind so she has an explanation when you become more distant. But it’s perfectly ok to realize that the friendship is no longer healthy.
Good luck. 🙂
GREAT workouts! And Pink Lady apples are my favorite. I would have had to taken a bite prior to the picture as well :). Sorry to hear about the friend. I definitely have had friendships like that. Friendship is a two way street and when someone is always making it about them…saying goodbye sounds like a good idea to me
Yes I have a few friends that I have “broken up” with — either it has sadly ended very badly, or I just distance myself. There are too many great people in the world that I just had to let go. It is so hard though, I feel for you Tina!
Holy smokes girl, your runs are coming along nicely!
I can’t say I’ve ever had a friend “break-up”, but I’ve had my share of friendships that have grown a apart and faded away. How long have you known this person? Is it someone you can make a clean break from? A one-way friendship isn’t much of a freindship.
We’ve been friends since middle school. We don’t share any of the same friends or have any other interactions that overlap outside of our personal get togethers so it could be a clean break.
I can COMPLETLEY agree with your feelings with your friend. I have been in the same situation a few times before. And you really have to ask yourself what you’re getting out of it. Sometimes friends like that are worth keeping around because they fulfill you in other ways… and if they dont? Then I think it’s ok to break up. You should always be surrounding you by people who will support you when you need it. Good luck!
PS you look amazing!
I have a similar friend and we seem to be in the same place as you and your friend are at the moment. Honestly, if this person is going to act defensively and start a fight if you tell her your true feelings, sometimes it’s just not worth the drama and hurt. I have distanced myself from my friend as far as interactions and seeing her goes (she lives in a different state). Our interactions have become almost nothing now since I don’t put forth any effort to include her in my life because I know it will always circle back to being about her. Obviously it’s up to you to make the decision whether to let her know how you feel or not, but I think that letting go of that person and distancing yourself sometimes sends a stronger message than words alone. I hope everything works out for you Tina! 🙂
P.S. Hot coffee for me!
Friend break ups are hard and sometimes can even be more tramatic than relationship break ups. Breaking up is hard but necessary when the friendship is damaging to you and your well being. Negative energy can wreak havoc on the human body and sometimes you have to look out for yourself first.
So sorry about your friend. I am in a somewhat similar situation, so I know how you feel. Keep us posted – I am interested to see how you handle it because I know you will do so kindly and with grace. You are a wonderful role model to so many women, Tina, and I so appreciate the light that your blog brings to my life every day!
Great job with the run girl, you are amazing!!
So sorry you’re going through that with a friend. I think it’s definitely best to cut your losses – the negative energy is definitely not worth it.
I have a hard time with one friend in particular who only corresponds with me when she has a birthday or is throwing a party. She is completely uninterested in our family life, has never shown any interest in getting to know my kids and it just wasn’t cutting it for me. I sort of just drifted away and stopped responding to texts asking me to go out. When she emailed me about it several months later I explained that if a friendship wasn’t genuine that I had no interest being a part of it. We talked over some things and to this day we’re still not close anymore but at least there’s no tension and there was an explanation that I THINK it made her take a look at some of her destructive behaviors. I’m sorry you’re going through this…never fun at all…especially for someone like you that genuinely cares about other people.
Iced coffee for spring/summer, hot coffee for fall/winter! I love iced lattes too.
That’s really frustrating about your friend. I’ve had a similar situation with one of my best friends from high school. My other best friend & I “broke up” with her during a college winter break. We both felt she was very judgmental and would critically judge someone (or one of us) and point out flaws while thinking she was perfect. We had grown apart during college, so it wasn’t too bad, but it was still hard losing one of my good friends.
I have a friend who had one of her other friends write her a letter and tell her she didn’t want to be friends anymore because of the SAME reason. Although I didn’t have that problem with her like the other girl did, I really appreciated the fact that she would stand up for herself and say something.
My friend that was “broken up with” – after she had her feelings hurt a bit – admits to me now that it was probably for the best.
I would say definitely let your friend know because it will eat at you if you don’t and you don’t need that negativitiy in your life.
I’m sorry about the friend issue :/ I hope everything works out ok for you. As for coffee I <3 iced !
I’ve broken up with one friend. I felt like she only called me when she needed a favor or when her other friends weren’t around. We didn’t really have it out or anything, we just stopped talking. Kind of sad in a way but it’s better not to have toxic friends in your life.
Great job on the PDR. How far do you want to run next weekend? I’m up for whatever.
I was thinking a bout the same thing. I was thinking maybe a slower, longer run (somewhere between 4-5 miles?) so you can help me reach another new distance. 🙂
I like iced coffee. 🙂
I also have had the same thing happen to me with a friend. I felt the same way…that she only contacted me when she needed me and expected me to bend over backwards for her all of the time when she couldn’t care less about anything I was doing. I haven’t had a conversation with her about it, but I have distanced myself because I no longer want to be there whenever she needs me because I know it will not be returned. It’s a sad part of life, but I guess there comes a time when you must surround yourself with only positive people and cut the ones that don’t fulfill you with a friendship. 🙁
I’ve totally been there. I have one friend who calls every now and then, talks about herself for 45 minutes without letting me get a word in, and then – right when I need to get off the phone – finally asks about how I’m doing…only to cut me off and start talking about herself again!
In those kinds of situations, I do think it’s important that we take care of ourselves. Friendship doesn’t mean allowing ourselves to be abused, you know?
ugh I am so sorry about this friend issue but before I get into that I just want to say I am loving your little jogging skirt! you look so awesome in it!
Sounds like you have gotten back into a great workout routine and I am so happy that you found what works for you! 🙂
I want drippy eggs! I have been seeing them all over the place and I have NEVER tried them!
Ok friend issue, I have ‘broken’ up with a friend a couple years ago because she was simply never nice to me. Sure we hung out and did things and even lived together (with 3 other girls) but we would have some drinks, and she would just start bashong me and make me feel like crap. I realized this person was not a necessary person to have in my life going forward, and the ‘break up; just happened naturally. I feel like if one person is giving giving giving and the other is not, it doesnt sound like a relationship I would want a be a part of either. So sorry you are dealing with this but you will do whats best for you 🙂
I’m so sorry about your friendship, but it sounds like it was ready to go to the next phase (break-up). Yes, I’ve been there. I call it a “give and take” relationship. I’m always “giving” and my friend is always “taking”. It’s very draining and not healthy. We have friends so that we can rely on them when we’re in need. It’s a two-way street (just like a marriage). It’s give and take on both parts. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m sure you feel a heavy weight taken off of your shoulders. And I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom. I’m sure that’s a hard thing to swallow. I know there are many symptoms that go along with it. Praying for you and your Mom as you learn all about MS and how to live with it. I know she’s lucky to have you in her life.
As for coffee…I’ll take it either way. When it’s cold outside, I prefer hot coffee and when it’s hot outside, I prefer cold. 🙂
I am so sorry to hear about your friend issue. You know, I’ve dealt with this…not often, but I have. It used to be a really tough thing for me because I would consider myself very “easy going” and a “good” friend. So when I had to “break up”, I felt like I was a horrible person. Over time I have learned that letting certain relationships go is the best thing not only for me, but for the other person as well. In them being so “needy”, they in some sense have to mature and grow up. You may be doing your friend a favor (in the long run) in kind of backing off and giving some space.
Breaking up with anyone, a friend or not, is so hard to do! But often, in the long run, it’s for the best! Our friends are supposed to help us along the path of life, and make us better people! When we have friends, that don’t return the love we give, it’s often time to think are they really a “friend”?
Prayers for you, and your decision!
nice run lady! impressive times! As for the friend break up, been there. gotta have both people in it, ya know? not just one sided. And thats okay if youre not friends. Like you said, you don’t feel badly about her. I would disconnect discretely. No harm done really.
broke up with my childhood best friend (since 5th grade) over the last year or so. we still chat occasionally, but I no longer go out of my way to discuss things/talk with her about important stuff. It started after her divorce. She was extremely hurt over the situation – especially after he remarried (quickly.)
She began making blanket statements about “evil stepmothers” and statements about how boys will always inappropriately touch little girls. She was lashing out about the new wife and not wanting her daughter to go over for visitation (trying to indicate that the stepbrothers were ‘inappropriate.) But, for this stepmother of four wonderful sons — it was more than I could handle. we had a few huge meltdown level arguments and then I just walked away.
It’s hard, but sometimes the relief is better.
Wow Tina congrats on the run! As for the friend, that’s such a tough one. I’ve had my fair share of this dilemma and I’m definitely not one to be giving advice. I just think that things always happen for a reason, and try to remember that people change– and that it’s okay. I’ve had relationships simply fade, and others where we’re had outright “we’re done” conversations. I definitely think that when you simply let things fade, that’s the better way to handle it– at least in my experience. I’m sorry this has happened to you– I’m sure things will work out for the best, though. Surround yourself with positive people, right?? 🙂
I remember you bringing this one up before… good for you for cutting ties. Maintaining friendships can be work, but it shouldn’t be that hard.
Last year, I distanced myself from someone who was always just so negative and condescending. She took it the wrong way and totally lashed out, but I don’t care. I’m much happier now that I don’t have to deal with her first hand.
It’s sometimes nice to let it go. 🙂
Friendship is definitely a two way road, and it seems to me that you are getting the rough end of the stick. I understand your situation. It’s sad that after you give and give and give, she can’t be a friend and be there for you. It must hurt, especially after what you went through with your mom. But you did the right thing! Good for you for cutting ties. No need to be anything but cordial, and she will no longer be an intricate part of your life.
Moving on is tough, but it can be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders at the same time 🙂
I haven’t had exactly that same situation, but I’ve had a couple of friendships that turned a bit more negative than fulfilling. I didn’t officially break up with them, but I did end the contact. Friends should be there for each other! And there is no reason to have anyone in your life who doesn’t bring some kind of value into it at least some of the time!
Oh girl I’ve been there before, but the first thing you have to do is sit her down and tell her where you’re at. For whatever reason she could just be comPletely clueless. Doesn’t excuse her behavior, but gotta give what grace you have left for her.
Just know you are loved and hang in there!
so jealous! My skirt will be staying indoors for at least the next month, maybe two!
I used to make myself guilty over friends who weren’t pulling their weight until a year or so ago when it finally hit me “HELLO, they do NOTHING to make this friendship work for you. Move on. Let go.” It’s easier said than done, but I’ve tried to remind myself again and again when I start feeling guilty that it’s not my responsibility to do all the work in a friendship. It’s a two way street.
This is such a tough issue, but one us girls seem to face more often than men.
I think if she’s depleting your happy reserve, then she’s not ready to be a friend to you right now. Breaking up doesn’t mean forever, just for now….
So sorry about the friend situation. I don’t think I’ve ever had to break up with a friend, but of course some friendships just fizzle out. I guess your friend doesn’t read your blog?? That’s all I kept thinking about as I was reading this. 🙂
I am so sorry about your friend! I have had to end relationships because of behavior like that or because of the constant need to use me as the complaint line for job, husbands, friends, life etc… It is hard to see the relationship go, but sometimes it is healthier for both parties to go their separate ways and possibly come back together whey they can have a healthy relationship.
Congrats on the running! I am really impressed with how quickly you have picked it up increased your mileage.
Hey 🙂 A friend of mine was in a similar bad friend relationship. She wanted out, but thought she’d give her friend the chance to hear her out instead of simply cutting her out of her life without explanation. Her friend ended up surprising her by being receptive to what problems my friend was having and has honestly turned her behaviour around quite a bit (and it’s been about a year!). This may not be the case with your friend, but I know mine was very glad she gave her “bad friend” another chance.
I think the key is to approach it in a kind but firm way. Tell her how she makes you feel and why you can’t accept that sort of relationship in your life. Be sure to point out her good qualities and what made her such a good friend in the first place. If she knows you care, she may be more willing to listen.
For what it’s worth! 🙂
Friendship is hard. I’m so picky about who I chose to be friends with. If I’m not happy I usually shy away. I don’t ever “break up” with friends but I will stop being so social with them. That’s how I handle it. I hope everything works out.
I have dealt with a friend distancing the last few years. It hurts to see some of my friendships grow distance but I know I still have strong close friends. I am blessed to have a few friends where we have true spiritual fellowship and I CHERISH these relationships. The closest I have come to talking with a friend about our distancing relationship was this past weekend but only in passing. Two way, supportive friendships are very important.