The Friend Break-Up
Posted: March 22, 2011 at 6:59 pmI started the day off in a bit of a funk, but things quickly began looking up. Little by little, the different enjoyable parts of my day brightened my mood. Love when that happens!
I started the day with a full body weights workout.
| Deadlift | Legs | 3x15 |
| Dumbbell 1 Arm Row | Back | 3x10 |
| Wall Squat | Legs | 3x 45-60 sec |
| Cable Crossovers | Chest | 3x12 |
| Front Dumbbell Raise | Shoulders | 3x10 |
| Dumbbell Concentration Curl | Biceps | 3x15 |
Splitting up my weights and runs (so I can run outdoors) really works well for me during the week. I was able to finish the above workout quickly, then come home for a tasty egg breakfast.
Two dippy eggs – 1 atop a slice of toast spread with a Blue Cheese Laughing Cow wedge and 1 atop a slice of toast slathered with TJs Cranberry Apple Butter. Along with the obligatory Pink Lady apple. Can you tell I got hungry before picture time?
After filling my belly, I had plenty of time to play with the kids and take them on a slow, leisurely 15 minute walk around the neighborhood. Then, I kept things fairly low-key the remainder of the day. I enjoyed an easy, tasty meal of leftovers for lunch.
A polenta enchilada bake that included cornmeal, pinto beans, olives, corn, salsa, and cilantro. With the tastiest mango I’ve had outside of the Dominican on the side.
Things really started turning around during the naptime I got out of the kids. I managed to relax with my first iced coffee of the season while Google chatting with Peter. I love iced coffee. It tastes better for some reason.
I love having weather that calls for iced coffee again. We reached 80 here today! That made for a hot run this afternoon.
A hot, sweaty, successful run. PDR of 4 miles!!! It must have been my cute, new 4all by jofit skirt. 😉
- Mile 1 = 9:32
- Mile 2 = 9:23
- Mile 3 = 9:17
- Mile 4 = 9:17
- Average = 9:22
I honestly could have kept going, but want to play it safe with my mileage increases. I also had some things to sweat out again. Last night I reached a peak with a friend issue. I really debated writing about it here, but I have to.
I have a friend who only ever contacts me when she needs something. In fact, my mother’s diagnosis happened about a month ago. I immediately texted her (because she was at work) when I found out about my mom’s MS. Then, I called frequently in the week following. Not once did she return a text, call, email, or anything to show any sympathy or support with my mom. In a month. In fact, she called last night to be sure I could still make it to a party she is having this weekend. I told her I would be visiting my mom instead, to which she promptly started giving me defensive excuses on why she hasn’t contacted me about the news.
I have battled with feelings of this friendship not satisfying me for awhile. I feel like there is only give on my part and take on hers. Our conversations are always about either her life or her body/weight. <--Not exaggerating. I haven’t looked forward to the times we see each other in a long time because it always leaves me with such a negative energy.
I want to “break-up” with this friend. I don’t feel anything badly about her. I simply no longer feel the need to remain in any sort of relationship that does not fulfill me. I debated whether or not to talk to her about it, but I know it would lead to her getting defensive and turning it into a fight. I would be there for her if needed, but I honestly am at a point where I want to minimize our interactions and move on. We already don’t talk or see each other often. I would always be there in a time of need, but I also know I can no longer put myself in a place of such hurt because of a supposed “friendship”. How’s that for some serious thought on a Tuesday night? Just what you were looking for, no? 😉
Questions of the Day:
- Have you ever faced a similar situation with a friend? What did you do?
- Which do you prefer – hot or iced coffee?
Tags: breakfast, lunch, relationships, running
Yikes, Tina – doesn’t sound like a fun situation. I’ve luckily never found myself in that type of situation. Friends should be supportive of one another – it shouldn’t be a one-way street.
Iced vs. hot coffee – love them both, could never choose!
Gah, that’s so tough. I feel you though. It will work out as it should. Sometimes we just “out grow” certain relationships. I hate that that is a decision you’re having to make. Not easy at all. 🙁
Great run! It has actually gotten pretty warm here too. Saturday was a pretty miserable run for me. I just wasn’t prepared for the heat. Guess it’s time to start getting into humid southern running mode 🙂 (cute running skirt by the way)
you are looking amazing little momma! But quit bragging about that weather-it’s snowing here tomorrow!
Friend break ups are the worst…but you know what you need to do and whats best for you. I’ve dwindled out A LOT of my friends and feel refreshed (after the grieving period!)
I prefer hot coffee, although I like both…but I only drink coffee first thing in the morning so it isn’t usually too hot for it, weather-wise, by then!
I think it is good you are breaking up with this friend. Listen to your intuition about what is best for you!
Yikes – you are in a bit of predicament aren’t you?! I admire you for recognizing a toxic relationship and being strong enough to want to end it. Good Luck!
I used to love hot coffee, but my friend told me about a great iced coffee recipe that I am dying to try. We aren’t near as warm here as you are, so I think I just want to channel some springtime weather 🙂
Would you mind sharing your iced coffee recipe
Sure thing:
1/2 c unsweetened almond milk
1 c brewed coffee, chilled
pinch of stevia
1 scoop protein powder (I am planning to use Vega)
optional additions: cinnamon & pure vanilla extract
Enjoy!
1st – I love pink lady apples and farm fresh eggs!
2nd – Are you serious 80 degrees. We had heavy wet snow today.
3rd – Toxic Friendships are never healthy.
4th – Coffee is coffee I like it hot and over ice. But, not at the same time, ha.
Good Luck!
I could not fathom snow in March. Yikes! Hope it warms up for you soon.
In fairness to your other friend, I think you owe her an explanation. I just ‘broke up” with a friend recently. It was similar situation but with the addition of a manipulative boyfriend who totally detested me.
It was tough, but I explained to her how I felt and why I felt it. It was at a coffee shop, so there was no way it could become a big fight. And then we were both able to walk away.
I kind of feel that way too. I don’t like to leave things without closure at all. But I have no clue how to go about it. She can be the queen of making things not “her fault” even when I’m not trying to put fault. I know I have my share in this too by my life’s change in stage of having kids and such.
Friend breakups are terrible. If you’re not really getting anything out of the friendship, there is no reason to stay in it. I had a friend breakup recently (first time it happened) and it was really awkward because we have mutual friends, and it got to the point where we avoided each other. Not good. I agree with one of the other person who left a comment, that it is good to offer an explanation for avoiding the person. You never know, maybe gently letting her know that her calling you only when she needs something and ignoring you in your time of need is hurtful will lead to her changing her behavior.
I “broke up” with my best friend a little over a year ago. It was a tough decision that I agonized about for a long time, but it has made me much happier. I wish you the best in this situation! 🙂
Interesting post. I would never directly “break up” with a friend, but would probably just let things fizzle out on their own, if as you are experiencing, I didn’t see the friend much anymore anyway. I like your assertive way of breaking down the situation and considering approaching your friend. Clear communication is always good, I believe.
I go by the motto, you’re not going to be friends with everyone you meet in life”. Life is short and I don’t have time to waste on people who aren’t going to be there for me when I need them and vice versa.
Hey, can you come to my house and fix my meals for me? Your food looks amazingly delicious!! I haven’t been neglecting my favorite blogs lately (guess life got busy!) but your workouts are working! You look amazing!
As for the friend issue, I have had friends in the past that always made me feel bad about myself…not always intentionally, but just subtle comments, or negativity, I guess. But, I have let people I really liked go, because of that. Life is too short to surround ourselves with people who bring us down. On the other hand, I have been “let go” by other good friends, when I’ve been going through rough times and retreated within myself. Communication is the key, though it is difficult.
And favorite coffee? Blended mochas. My cheat.
Awe Tina, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’ve had a very similar situation lately and I think the way you are handling it is really good. The way I see it is that there is no need for a confrontation with a “friend” like that, they aren’t going to hear you and it will make matters worse. I know how sad it can feel though, losing a friend, no matter the circumstances. Hugs coming your way!!
I’ve been there – I guess in a way, I still am, but we live in different cities now, so it’s not as prevalent. Very similar to your friend in that she just wouldn’t respond to communication, but then call me crying or hysterical when she needed something. The older we get, it’s even more important to have people in our lives who genuinely care about us. Sorry you’re dealing with this!
p.s. AWESOME run! I love that you’ve fallen in love with the power of running. Now that’s a worthwhile relationship. 🙂
Haha! Yes it is. Love running!! I can’t get over how good it makes me feel. Even better than weights and that is saying a LOT from me. 😉
Glad that you had a good time otherwise today! It sure sounds like you’re ready to move on with that relationship. And maybe you need to say so, as awkward and uncomfortable as that will feel.
80 degrees–I’m envious! We’ve been above freezing in the daytime for a couple of weeks, though.
That enchilada/polenta bake looks so good.
love
Ela
I have been in a similar situation, eventually I stopped trying to make contact with her, and since part of the problem was that it was becoming a one sided thing, contact diminished. A year later she actually got in contact with me and was like I’m not really sure why we don’t talk any more, but I want to be friends again and we were able to talk things through… we now get together and talk more often. Not all situations end like this, but letting your friend know may be the best way to go, they may not even know how you feel. Good luck!
PS. Iced coffee 🙂
I’ve had to deal with a similar situation recently. It wasn’t easy but I felt we both needed to move on. I honestly don’t harbor any hard feelings towards J either. I feel we just both outgrew each other.
Good luck with that. I know you’ll be okay. Oh and ditto on the iced coffee. Yum yum!!!
That’s exactly how I feel. No hard feelings. I do care for her and want the best for her…but don’t feel best with her in my life. Thanks for comisserating!
Iced coffee all the way!
I wish I could help you with the friend problem, but I’m lucky enough not to have dealt with a situation like that.
The English major in me is interested in the juxtaposition of your last two questions – about the friend breakup and about the hot and cold coffee. It’s like the “Fire and Ice” poem by Robert Frost – there are two ways about it: You can confront your friend, head on, guns blazing, to let her know that you’re through with your relationship, or you can let it fade out. Personally I’m for the latter – when there is a person in my life who is toxic to me but I wish not to cause them full-frontal harm I just make sure to limit their presence in my life. I mean, you don’t have to pick up the phone when she calls. You don’t have to listen. You have a life, a very busy and positive one, and part of keeping your life healthy is pruning away those influences which make you unhappy. I used to be a magnet for toxic, energy-sucking people, probably because I was one myself, and it’s really been difficult for me because these are people I’ve known a LONG time and have long histories with and generally do care about, but they bring me down so much that I cannot risk MY welfare by placing myself in situations with people like that. I need to take care of ME first before I can fix the all the world’s problems, yanno?
Good luck<3
ps-hot coffee in the AM, iced on an afternoon
Thank you so much for this comment, Ilana. Love it! And the literary side to it. 😉
I love what you say about something not affecting your welfare. That is what this boils down to. Thanks for the insight.
Iced coffee is so much better! But I can only drink it when the weather gets warmer. My favorite is actually an iced variety of instant coffee very popular in Greece (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frapp%C3%A9_coffee if interested) which I think tastes 100 times better than iced brewed coffee.
Having to break up with a friend is a very tough situation. I had to go through something like that a couple of times in my life and it was really bad.. Though I have to admit that I never really had a talk with the people concerned about my decision. I tried my best to let them know what was bothering me before I broke up, but they didn’t get it so I just kind of disappeared. Not my most mature approach but I could not have people in my life who don’t really care about me and I could not go through a confrontation or fight. I hope you resolve your friendship as smoothly and as painlessly as possible!
I just made this! I’ve never used instant coffee for an iced coffee before – it’s amazing 🙂
Great job on that run!
On the friend issue, I usually just let those kind of things naturally die…meaning I stop making the effort to call and make plans. Usually that does the trick without any drama!
First of all– great job on your run! That is wonderful and you are now at my speed and distance LOL 🙂
Secondly, I am jealous of your weather!! We got to the 70’s this week but it’s going to get cold again this weekend 🙁 boo.
Thirdly, I am sorry about your friend. I know it is probably for the best though. I think holding on to friendships that no longer feel right is harder than just letting them go. I have had this happen to me too. Sometimes, they have come back around later in life, other times not at all. Trust your gut, trust God. You are a wonderful person and deserve the support, love and friendship that you give out to so many. 🙂
Tina, I’ve broken up with a similar friend. In some ways, it happened naturally as I faded away (there wasn’t a reason for me to engage with her) and she wasn’t good at coming to me (unless she needed something). In some ways I think I should have just sat and had an explanation with her, but sometimes that can cause more resentment and hurt than anything.
Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I know you said you shared this, but I missed the post. Hugs..
Second, I feel the same way about a friend of mine. We have zero in common anymore and we don’t value the same things anymore, and most importantly, I’m not “fed” by the relationship. I think the best thing to do is part ways. If she can’t make you a bigger part of her life and a priority in a time of need/hurt, she’s not worth your time. It’s tough, but I think it happens…:(
Hot coffee!
My life choices have taken me away (at least geographically) from my friends I truly knew and loved. As babies become part of the equation (a club I haven’t joined yet) it does get harder. I have two girlfriends that I know I could call on in a second – unfortunately at the moment we’re half a world apart 🙁 But the fact that we have managed to maintain our friendships through babies, distance, and a divorce says something. Recently a friend I lost touch with came back into my life, but she (probably unknowingly) treated our friendship with little love and support in the couple of years before we lost touch and so I am taking this one with a grain of salt and baby steps. You might enjoy reading, “What Did I Do Wrong: When women don’t tell each other the friendship is over”. It’s an interesting book. It sounds like you have already made your decision, and you need to nurture yourself so that you can be the best mother and wife and friend for those around you who do genuinely want the kind of friendship and love you have to offer.
They have a whole book on the topic? Wow! Thanks for sharing that. I have a feeling I should look into it. 🙂
It’s an interesting read – kind of sad, but also encouraging at the same time. It’s just a topic that is never really addressed, b/c guys are more like, “Whatever” and women are more attuned to their own, as well as other people’s emotions.
I am pretty sure I still have my copy somewhere – want me to send it to you?
Hi! Did you post the recipe for that Polenta bake? Sorry, I can’t find it and it looks delish!
I didn’t….yet! I’m planning on posting it along with a couple other recipes in the next day or two. 🙂
You’re looking terrific, Tina…keep up the good work!
I have totally been in this situation with friends…especially in the past year or so. I’ve found that (and I firmly believe this) friendships should NOT be work, there should be a nice ebb and flow, a natural give and take. Relationships though? Those should be work. Marriage – is WORK! And it’s worthy of being hard work. The more you put inot a marriage, the more you get out of it. Friendships though, should not be work – so if this friend is causing you more stress than its worth? Than she’s not worthy of your awesome friendship. Just my two cents.
I’m totally jealous of the weather, its a very wet 34 degrees here, and I heard a rumor snow may be on its way!
Its so hard going through a situation like that with a friend. I am currently going through a very similar situation, its not fun but truth is its not healthy to stay friends with someone who leaves you feeling negative. Everyone needs someone to listen to them and a true friend would be supportive and uplifting! I wish you the best of luck with your situation.
I hate when friend issues arise! I had something similar happen with one of my closest friends from college – she was even in my wedding! It seemed in recent years that the only time she called me was when she needed to complain about something & if I ever tried to vent to her, it immediately turned into how how much worse she had it – never any sympathy or empathy for what I was dealing with. On the flip side, whenever I was calling to share great news, she would always “one-up” me! Every.single.time. It was DRAINING (and maddening)! I think we had our “break up” earlier this month & as much as I was sad to see a longtime friendship come to an end, it really is more healthy for me to concentrate on friendships that are worthwhile and fulfilling. (I’ve even removed her from my address book so I don’t have to run across her information & be “reminded” of just how volatile of a friendship it was!)
Just know that whatever decision you make about this friendship, it’s the right one for YOU!
I think we have the same friend. LOL
you described the situation perfectly!
You are constantly striving to better yourself health-wise, and mental health is a huge part of being healthy. If there is a friend in your life who is all about “me, me, me” and “take, take, take” then that, to me, is not a friend at all. It’s sad to let go of the people in your life, but when those people make you feel bad about yourself or can’t be there for you when you need someone the most then it’s better to let go. I think you are making a great decision for yourself and you will be happier without this “friend.” I’ve been in a similar situation and life was so much brighter when I let go of her. I hope things get better for you soon. Congratulations on your PDR!
You look great – your food looks great – and I love coffee anyway I can get it. After reading your story about your friend and then ALL of these wonderful comments, it made me think how obvious it is that you should move on from this unsupportive person. Look at how many supportive people you have giving you all kinds of warm words of friendship right here – and this other person can’t even make that minimal effort? I agree with what others have said above – life is short, make the most of it.
Blog friends truly are fabulous and I do lean on them a lot…in addition to some great friendships I have built in my church group, mom’s group, etc.
Good for you- what a great run in the unusual heat!
Wish I had advice about breaking up with a friend… I just usually keep putting distance between us until things just fizzle. I call it the avoidance technique 😉
Nice job on the run! 80 degrees, how I miss this! I’m in the Northeast and am simply sick of the weather… Spring is creepin in though 🙂
I also agree with what several others have said, you have others that are more supportive and should remember your happiness
You really are super mom! I know where to go when it’s my turn. 🙂 And about your “friend” – my philosphy is that if you think the other person is going to meet you half way and work with you to mend the relationship, then go for it with all your heart. Otherwise, I would just distance myself. You’re obviously more invested than she is, and if you can’t count on people when you need them most, what’s the point?! AND she’s already getting defensive, and you haven’t said a thing – not a good sign! Just my two cents. 🙂 Have a great day!
You’re are awesome! You’re workouts have been awesome lately, and I love the balance you have between family, health living, and just plan life! I’ll need your tips someday when I have a family!
Friend issues like that are tough, but in the end you need to do what is best for you. I’ve had to deal with situations like this before and it sounds like you are doing the right thing.
And I totally prefer hot coffee… I know I’m weird
THANK YOU for this post and your honesty. I’ve been in this situation a few times where I felt like a friendship was getting to be one-sided or just not beneficial to me and I wanted out, but it’s difficult if there hasn’t been an ‘incident’ or a reason to point to for the ‘break up.’ Sometimes people just grow apart. I usually just try to keep my distance and wish the best for them. Not all friendships are meant to be life-long.
PS–I just recently discovered blue cheese Laughing Cow and am obsessed!
It’s amazing how many of us can relate to this post! Sad, too, though.
And yes – Blue Cheese LC is the bomb!
Tina,
I’m going thru something similar. I’ll be celebrating my 30th in a little over a week & instead of some big hoopla, I decided to invite 2 of my friends & their hubby’s over for a game night. I’ve decided that my 20’s was all about learning who my TRUE friends were & eliminiating the ones who are not. I discovered that when I started to respect myself & see that I was a good friend, it made me only want people in my life that felt the same way. It’s been a long & painful decade of plucking & pruning, but the 2-3 really TRUE friends that I have are completely worth it!
My Christian mom’s group this week was on this very subject. Here’s the mp3 if you’d like to listen to it. http://smallgroups.lwcc.org/index.php?option=com_docman&task=doc_download&gid=482&Itemid=204
Iced coffee when the weather is glorious/need to quench my thirst, hot on rainy, cold, miserable days!
I think we all have friends like this. After awhile, I quit making excuses for her and just cut her out completely. I stopped making an effort for someone who didn’t reciprocate. If she contacts me, I will be civil, but I’m no longer texting or emailing her. If someone spreads their negativity to you, they are not worth having around.
You go, girl!
About the friend issue – I have been in a very similar situation before with an ex-best friend. We both decided that we’d always be there for one another but that we were both in different spots in our lives and it was best if we part ways. It’s worked out wonderfully for the both of us.
Love the skirt! 🙂 I think you may just need to be honest and cut ties with the friend (or at least loosen them a bit). I had a friend that only called when they needed something, never just to say “hi”. It became comical after a while because the conversations would start out with the niceties and I would just wait because I knew they wanted me to do something for them. I was going through a lot of stress at the time and it really just made me feel used. It can sort of make you feel like a burden has been lifted if you distance yourself from that person. I
I can already say that the thought of not having this relationship in my life would feel like a burden lifted. Sad, huh?
A very similiar thing happened to me recently. My grandfather passed away back in December, right before Christmas so that was really tough. He had stage 4 lung cancer and he had it for 2 years so all of my closest friends knew what was going on. When he passed away, things on Facebook obviously went up and my best friend basically ignored it. I would of been completly fine with I’m sorry, I’m here if you need anything. That was all I needed to hear. It wasn’t until I mentioned my grandfathers death one time when she came home from being away at school that she said she was sorry for my loss. I talked to my mom about this because it really hurt my feelings. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because death can be a really uncomfortable subject for a lot of people.
In your case, I know how you feel. It hurts when the people who are closest to you aren’t there for you when you need them the most. If you feel like “breaking up” with your friend is only going to be beneficial, then the friendship just wasn’t meant to be.
You don’t need negative energy! That’s the worst. Stay positive. Remember that everything happens for a reason and I wish you the best and hope everything with your mom is okay
I’ve been in this situation, and I have had a heart to heart with said friend. No blaming, just saying, look, this is how I’ve been feeling lately. I was proud of myself for doing that, but the problem was, the friend said “Oh, I see, I’m so sorry, I will do better, etc.” but they didn’t do better AT ALL, so I was in the exact same position afterwards, except more exhausted.
In the end, I just weaned off the relationship. I didn’t reach out, and I found that she reached out less in response, and over time, we lost all contact.
That’s kind of how I’m feeling about it all. I feel like if I did discuss with her things would either a) not change or b) turn into a defensive power control on her part and a fight. I want to have closure but don’t know if it would just be best to let things naturally fizzle out without the discussion.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
I have not been in that situation before BUT I think you are making a smart and POSITIVE move. I do not like to surround myself with negative one sided people at all because it just brings you down.
Now on to the coffee…I love both. But if I had to chose, I would go with iced.
And your running skirt is adorable. Wish the weather here in Chicago would turn a corner. I’m so ready for SPRING weather to last more than 2 days.
Because of this post I just went to my kitchen and made an iced Frappe! It was delicious. Although I think hot coffee will always be my number one.
As for the friend break-up, I think it’s best just to stop contact rather than having “the talk”. Perhaps over time she might come around to the fact that she has selfish and self centred and she might try to change her ways and reach out to you. Or maybe not, but it’s not worth putting yourself into a negative confrontational situation that you could walk out of feeling awful about. I hope you sort things out!
I’m really sorry that you are in this situation – it so totally a tough one, but you deserve to have people in your life who support you just like you support them. People come and leave our lives for a reason – maybe you do not have to have a “break-up” but just slowly disengage if after trying to talk to her about how you are feeling nothing changes? Either way, you deserve the support from people that you love and support – and having someone take away from that and put negativity into your day (and life) is not worth it!
First of all – great job on your run!! You sure got speedy quick!
Secondly, I’m so sorry about your friend. But you have to do what’s right for you and not feel guilty, or accept her for who she is and deal with the consequences. I hope it all works out for you (whatever you decide)!!
i think you need to tell her how she has hurt you to give her an opportunity to repent. If she doesn’t, then you know it is time to move on. I having a feeling that she has deeper issues at hand though.