Sometimes you have to force yourself to do certain things. It’s for your own good.

This morning, I forced myself to sleep in. I typically wake up around 6 am so I can have some quiet time before Makenzie wakes up. Today, I made myself stay snuggled up in bed until 7:30.

Then, after making and eating breakfast, I forced myself to stay on the couch all day. I feel better than yesterday, but know rest will do my body some good.

Side note: I look super young when I’m sick. I promise I’m not 16.

I had to force myself to stop negative thoughts. I hate feeling lazy. Sitting on the couch all day will do that to a person. I momentarily started feeling down on myself and “gross” – but I stopped all of that nonsense pronto.

Then, more nonsense appeared in the form of guilt for having M chill with me on the couch all day, watching TV or reading books. I’m still a good mom. She still loves me. Heck, she probably loves me more for allowing her to watch a marathon of recorded Word World episodes today.

I had to force myself not to poke my eyes out from watching the same episode 4 times in a row. How can kids watch things over and over and over?

I couldn’t laze about completely. I still had to force myself to use my brain and plan for Sunday’s class.

I had to force myself not to laugh too hard at Makenzie’s antics singing “Needof the Red Nose Redoor”. I didn’t want to have to change my underpants. Remember the joys of leaking “they” don’t tell you about?

Now, I have to force myself away from the alluring call of Nyquil. Oh, to knock myself out from feeling the cold ickies!

• Did you have to force yourself to do anything today?

I managed to keep a smile on my face yesterday and get through the day okay despite minor annoyances. I did have something niggling at my insides though and today it has run me down.

You see, while going through photos from our Meet Us at the Manger event at the church I stumbled across this photo that Peter had taken.

Besides the fact that he really only knows how to work the camera on Auto, this picture immediately sent me reeling with all sorts of negativity.

Is that what I look like right now? Do I really look THAT big? THAT tired? THAT plain? And that much unlike what I’m used to seeing? And I left the house that night thinking I actually looked decent for a change!!! How BAD do I look  other times?

I asked Peter about it and could see the hesitation. That’s all it took. He of course still assured me that I look great, that it’s not much longer, that I’m pregnant and naturally going to look/be bigger, that the photo is an unflattering shot, and that he loves me now more than ever. He said all the right things. I smiled and accepted them and pushed those initial feeling aside. Then, I visited my friend, who even after surgery still looks great. She shows me her incisions and where she is so sore on her stomach. A little pang of jealousy hits over her flat stomach and smaller size that I once resembled. I laughed at that and quickly told myself “I’m pregnant! She just had surgery! Why are you even thinking about that?”. Then, I pushed those initial pangs of jealousy aside too.

Apparently those thoughts and feelings continued to fester because they built up from me being able to laugh them off to me crying, big-lose-your-breath sobs crying, just now as I began to write this post. Writing it out provides solace because it helps me expunge it all from my head. I knew I had to write it, as hard as it would be to write…and post that picture. I already feel a bit lighter in spirit again. It also helps knowing I have to get over it to be strong for this gorgeous face…

…so she can stop worrying about why her mommy is crying. I guess we all have these moments. Much love to you all for listening, despite the downer of a post on a Friday.

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